Let our enemies beware...there is only one superpower now.

Anyone that knows me know I love the character Superman. He is ultra cool and recently I have started rereading comics and catching up on what has been happening with my fave character. Did you know he got married to Lois Lane? I didn't. They were also a lot of other shocks along the way one of which is that BATMAN is seriously bad-ass. I never knew. All the superheroes with all their powers are seriously brick themselves when it comes to the dark knight. No one messes with the bat. But anyway I just read the comic book Red Son. It's a sort of retelling of the superman legend so that he is raised in communist Russia and not US of A. I have to say I enjoyed this book. It wasn't a Communist bad/democracy good rhetoric. It was actually a well thought out story with a surprise ending that make us think of the time being linear or cyclical. Anyway to all you comic book fans get down to your local library and borrow Superman: Red Son by Mark Millar.  I think I will be looking out for more stories written by Mr Millar.

Time's running out...time for a change

I've been ill for the last, few days and in that time I've had the opportunity to think. One: I hate being sick. The lethargic feeling, the dizziness and worse of all the loss of control. Anyone who knows me knows I hate not being in control. You could say I'm a bit anal (a bit?! I hear some of you say). The second thing is that while lying on death's bed (man-flu, the worse) it makes you realise that the things that you think of as important in your life really are not that important. You're forced to rearrange your priorities.

I need to make a change in my life. I am mired in daily banality pretending to care about something that leaves me cold and resentful everyday. The "experts" all say "follow your passion", but what they don't tell you is how to find that passion. That thing that makes life worth living. All I know is that I'm not doing it and that means it's time for a change. It's going to be a new year and I'm pissed. Pissed that I'm not doing what I should be with my life, that I'm not following my bliss, and that "this" (waving hands about aimlessly) is all my life amounts to. It's time for a change.

Destiny vs. Determination

I was talking to withoutwriting about positivity and spirituality and interesting questions came up. The idea of success and positivity. Does spirituality hinder successful development? Is being religious a help or hindrance in creating the life we want? I have to say these questions have been on my mind recently when I was feeling a bit down in the dumps recently. You see for 98% of the world that believe in a spiritual entity most turn to him or her in times of crisis, myself included, hoping for guidance. However there have been times in the past few years where I have found myself questioning the very existence of a god. This is not something a good little boy should ever do.

I was raised in a very religious family and the belief in God was a given. It was a belief that was never challenged particularly in a small island. Everyone you knew had a belief system, whether they believed in your god or not. It was the belief in a god that united us and divided us. Religion and the church was something that was part of your life, like eating and breathing. You went to church and that was it. You could throw a "sicky" for school but never for church because "God was watching". They got you from the cradle so that to even think about not wanting to go to church was a sin. Religion and the belief in God was shoved down our throats, morning, noon and night. Every morning there were prays on the single television station in the island (we're talking the 70's and early 80's here) giving equal importance to the top three faiths in our country, The Christians, The Muslims and The Hindus. We were politically correct before anyone even knew what political correctness was.

So with my upbringing I never heard of an atheist until I was in my late teens. And that idea was like believing in the bogeyman. Ridiculous. People that didn't believe in God. Yeah, Right!! It was a concept so alien to me. How could someone even question whether there was a god?, I asked myself. Are they crazy? Am I? It was not a good place to be I felt sorry for these mysterious atheists. After all, I knew there is a god. Though I've never seen him. I knew there were miracles taking place everyday. Though I've never seen a miracle myself I've heard from lots of people who knew someone, who heard it from someone else, who knew the great aunt, twice removed of a god fearing, trust-worthy person who was lame and now healed when she saw an angel in the sky. What more evidence did I need? Now if that wasn't a miracle, what was it? A coincidence, synchronicity? You only think it was a coincidence or synchronicity because you don't believe. That's your problem. The lord works in mysterious ways and everything and everyone in my life reinforced this belief. I didn't get that top graded school I wanted but got something else. I was comforted by words like "It just wasn't meant to be. The lord have something better in mind for you."

Television was and still is heavily censored. No nudity, obscene language, and immoral situations so there were a lot of shows with blurred scenes of a sexual images, sudden bouts of silence (though I became very good at lipreading the curses) and huge cuts between scenes of an immoral nature. Of course who determines what is nudity, obscene and immoral are the pillars of morality themselves. The Inter religious Organisation. Strange though because if I looked out my windows I could see men's exposed penises as they boldly pissed up against a wall, I could hear them telling their friends to F**k off and read in the news papers about another religious figure who was caught with his pants down servicing one of his parishioners. AGAIN.  I just couldn't watch it on television.

So with a sheltered life, and bursting to the bits to find my own way I moved to the bright city lights of London. It was dark, cold, dismal, rainy, the air literally stank of cigarette smoke and my skin broke out. I LOVE IT. I was free. I could make my own way, carve a new direction in life for myself and turn over a new leaf. No one knew me and that was just the way I wanted it. I avoided my fellow countrymen like the plague. Most immigrants gravitate towards centres of the city where everyone was like them, in language, dress, culture and taste in food. They formed their little ghettos. And don't get me wrong. I get that. I totally understand why someone moving to a new country would want to be among people that they knew with  familiar sights and sounds. But I also knew that I wanted to assimulate as quickly as possible and I knew that hanging around people like me, telling the same old stories of the old country was not going to do me any favours. It's why some people have lived in England for 40 years and still don't know how to speak the language(What Now! EXCUSE YOU?) Even now so many years later I still only have one friend from my country and he's a handful ( D...You know I love you. :-)). But now with all these freedoms, new ideas kept coming into my mind. New ways of seeing the world. I actually began to meet people who were atheist and those who were agnostic (I had to look that one up). I felt as if they had killed God. To even talk about God was seen as shameful as if you were afflicted with a mental ailment. I wasn't hip or facing reality. My world was being turned on it's head. I could have just shut down and called them philistines but I realised that part led to unthinking blind devotion. And I think we all know where unthinking blind devotion to a god leads.

So over the years I've found myself facing challenges and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. It is then that I have to find an inner strength within me to keep on going. Do i fall back on my tried (but unfounded) belief that it was meant to be, or do i embrace this new idea of determination. The idea that i am the captain of my own life. I had to challenge the very idea that I'm not getting the job I want because "It's up to God or that's just the way it is." I am constantly fighting within myself to overcome the whole idea that my life is predetermined and no matter how hard I try I will never amount to more than what i am predestined to be. I am getting angrier and angrier about it and one day i snapped. NO. HELL to the N to the O. NO. I will not lay down and accept this as my life. I can be better. I am deserving of achieving all my dreams and goals. I will never let anyone or being tell me who I can and cannot be. FREE WILL BABY!! Whether I succeed or fail it has to be my decision, a consequence of my choice.

It would be naive and too simplistic of me to say that a belief in a supernatural being is the reason so many people in the world live and and never attain their dreams but comfort themselves by saying "That's the way it is. It's God's Will." I don't think it is God's will. If a god was even remotely interested in your life, why would he or she want you to be Mr and Mrs Average. Why, if you believe you were created in His images would he want to be a slob vegetating on a couch in front of a television. No, you would be the best there is to be. You would grow constantly and become a shining example in your life and not be ants in an anthill. It's no big secret that throughout human history the idea of god and religion have been hijacked by the powerful to keep those less powerful in their place and from aspiring to be anything other that living off the scraps that fall from the powerful tables. The Opium of the masses, I believe Karl Marx called it. My friend put across the point that society has changed, revolutions that created a more just society and that we are more caring, rulers and leaders are not like the dark ages. No it's not. they rulers are just smarter. They don't always get it right. There are still protests but they don't worry much. After all once you control the mind you don't have to worry about that the body does. And they do control the mind, via propaganda, television and religion.

Do a quick search of all the powerful people(leaders, innovators) the people whose very word and ideas can affect your life. Find out how they got there and see how many of them actually have a belief in a supernatural being. I refer to leaders in the Western world because there are country in the east where religion and beief in gods are not encouraged yet their populations do not strive. This coud be because those same country do not allow individual expression of thought or grant it's citizens the educational oppportunities to grow. Still I do not know all the answers. What I do know is that for me I am still struggling with the idea of how to balance destiny vs determination. I may be a stubborn bastard but like the other 98% of the world's popultaion I rather be a believer than not.

Positive Thinking in Skill-Acquisition and in Life - Part 1

By WithoutWriting

1. Defining the Terms:

By way of introduction, I am a blogger who writes predominantly on martial-arts related topics; the acquisition of skill in the area of combat preoccupies me to an unhealthy degree.

In this guest article (Many thanks to the Man in a Bottle) I intend to discuss the reasons why I think a positive attitude is quite simply a pre-requisite of not only any learning process, but an advantage in several areas of daily life.

I should perhaps first make my position on positive thinking and optimism perfectly clear:

I don't consider myself to be a particularly optimistic individual. I consider myself a realist, and I react rather badly and in a knee-jerk way to self-help doctrines that demand that one take a positive outlook on EVERY circumstance in one's life, regardless of how difficult or painful that circumstance might be. However, either consciously or unconsciously, I have developed an extremely positive, nay, some would say an unreasonably optimistic outlook in several discreet areas. These areas are: My study of the martial arts, and my opinion of humanity which feeds directly in to both my political and philosophical beliefs.

Secondly I should define exactly what I am talking about when I use the terms "positive thinking" and/or "optimism":

To me, in all cases one should form one's opinions based on evidence. This is the only intellectually defensible way to form opinions in my view, and certainly the only way to learn about the world and oneself. Therefore- in my opinion- a positive attitude should not be held in regards to things, people or actions which have an overwhelming amount of negative evidence attached to them. An example: No amount of positivity will prevent one from crashing to the ground in a painful heap if one jumps from one's second floor window in the morning, instead of taking the stairs. The evidence of both the force of gravity and one's past experience with falling simply do not support a positive attitude to flinging oneself from high places.

However, when one moves away from such extreme examples, decisions about what attitude to take to events in one's life become blurred and difficult. Why should we keep forming relationships with people when we have been hurt in the past? Why should we keep trying to learn to ride a bicycle when we've fallen off so many times during the process? And why should we continue to train in say... a martial art, when for months and years we have been the veritable punchbag of everyone else in the gym/school/dojo?

Believe me when I say that unless you are formidably naturally talented, any complex skill will take serious time and effort to acquire. There are few skills more complex than martial skills, and few areas of study in which the consequences of mistakes are as painful. Why should one presume that one's skill will increase? Why should one be optimistic about one's progress in the art? Why should one be positive?

The answer is that observation of the success of others offsets and outweighs the evidence of one's past experience.

Positive Thinking in Skill-Acquisition and in Life - Part 2

By WithoutWriting

2. An Inspirational Example

A person considering taking up the martial arts might say "I'm unfit, so training would just be painful and annoying, I'm smaller than other people so I'm fighting at a disadvantage, and I'm not naturally aggressive so I'll find the whole experience upsetting and intimidating." These kinds of statements might well lead the person to not take up martial arts. And all of these statements might be true.

But none of these statements are valid reasons for not taking up the training, because none of these stated facts, even if true, would stop this individual from becoming a formidable fighter, or even a champion in one or more disciplines.

To this hypothetical person, I would retort: "All that may be true, but you do have one or more limbs, don't you?" And I would refer them to the case of Kyle Maynard. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyle_Maynard)

Mr Maynard is a quadruple congenital amputee. He was born with no arms and no legs. But in the highly competitive and athletically demanding world of mainstream American Collegiate Wrestling, he attained a record of 35 wins and 16 losses. His opponents (like every amateur wrestler in the US) were fighting for athletic prestige, academic opportunity and social standing. I highly doubt a single one of his opponents was willing to lose to a man with neither arms nor legs. This makes Mr Maynard's achievements all the more inspiring. He is an inspiration within the martial arts and the sporting communities.

My hypothetical naysayer might respond: "This guy is clearly one in a million. I'm not exceptional in any respect, so what good is this example to me?" And I would respond that while Mr Maynard is undoubtedly an exceptional case, his disadvantages in wrestling are so sizeable that it makes any excuses from any of us who possess limbs seem like childish whining by comparison.

And what exactly is exceptional about Mr Maynard? Well he said in an interview once that he lost every single match he ever fought in his first year of wrestling. This shows us that despite massive disadvantages, a positive belief that in the future he WOULD win, was enough for him to overcome those disadvantages and amass a more impressive record than many wrestlers who have no physical problems whatsoever.

For me, the only exceptional thing about Kyle Maynard is his staying power. His determination and willingness to carry on training, when many, many others would not only have given up: they would never have started in the first place. We can all possess such a power, if we are optimistic regarding the outcome of our effort.

3. The Interpretation of Evidence

But let us leave the example set by a single individual, and return to the realms of provable theory:

Once again, I don't believe in having a positive attitude if overwhelming evidence is against such an attitude. I believe that when there's a rough balance of evidence (i.e: Not much more evidence one way or another), one should by default take an optimistic outlook. This is because of the simple fact that without the attempt to accomplish something, there will be no positive outcome. In other words, if you try you may fail, but if you don't try, you will definitely fail.

The second theoretical point to be made is that often, people believe that there's an overwhelming amount of evidence stacked against them, when this simply isn’t so. It would have been easy for Kyle Maynard to say "all the evidence is against my succeeding; no congenital amputee has ever succeeded in wrestling". But while the statement is technically correct, it is incorrect in its substance. The facts are not: "no amputee has ever succeeded in wrestling", the facts are: that so few disabled people have ever TRIED competing in mainstream wrestling that no conclusions can reasonably be drawn. Therefore Kyle Maynard's positive attitude was intellectually defensible, and necessarily well-founded. And he succeeded. And now the next disabled person who considers trying their hand at any sport, or any martial art, will be able to look at Maynard's achievements and make their decision more easily.

On a larger scale, people look at the history of humanity and find almost literally endless cruelty, suffering, greed and war. From these terrible facets of human nature, so richly expressed throughout history, many people draw the conclusion that they should have no faith in human nature at all. But they aren't thinking critically. If one thinks critically and one REALLY knows history, a pattern is easily detectable: From ignominious beginnings where the strong and the wealthy universally preyed on the weak and the poor, we have moved forward to a time in which- despite the fact that we haven't totally escaped our animalistic drives- we have things like welfare states, public healthcare in several countries, campaigns for liberation of all peoples and campaigns for universal peace. (They may not have won their final victory just yet, but at least they exist.)

Throughout the vast majority of human history there was NONE of this. In fact, in the past hundred years, social improvements have been literally unfathomable compared to what came before. Therefore the real lover of truth, the true critical thinker, will be without hesitation optimistic for the future of mankind. All past evidence points towards improvement in the future.

And this is the lesson to take from history and from life, I think: When you think the evidence warrants negativity, look deeper. A scientific mind is a wonderful tool to have in all areas of life, but especially when addressing the question of whether one should be optimistic or pessimistic.

Happy Halloween

It honour of the Halloween weekend this blog is about a horror movie I just watch called SAW4. Now let me preface this by saying that in no means am I a horror fan. In fact just the opposite. It the one genre of film I have avoided because I don't like all the blood, gore and crap. So how do I make it through SAW well with one eye closed, hiding behind the sofa, the volume muted for the screaming parts and if it's recorded, fast forward through the grisly parts. But even with all of that I generally enjoy the SAW movies. It's the lesson behind the test the villain sets. Though even as I say the word villain I don't think that adequately describes Jigsaw. I am more inclined to call him an anti-hero.

For those of you who follow the SAW movies you may agree that Jigsaw has never killed anyone. He has always set up scenarios where the "victims" are given choices and it is these choices that determine if they live or die. I think our anti-hero is like a crucible master. He turns up the heat until what emerges is a purer version of oneself. He understands the human psyche and he gives the protagonist so many chances to make the decision that would shake them out of their reverie and into a new birth from the death of their old selves. But few, if any I have seen have been able to make that transition. Jigsaw is a counsellor with unorthodox methods. He's no Freud. But he does pushes you to the edge and require you to face your ego/self in the mirror.

To some degree I think we all have a "Jigsaw" in our own lives. Everyday we are put through tests that we have to face and hopefully come out the other side a better person than when we started. However like the people in this movie more of us fail these tests than pass. Luckily when we fail we don't get out rib cage pulled out of us or torn limb from limb (though it would make life more interesting). Admittedly most of us know we have a problem, everyday we arrive home and the first thing we do is plop ourselves down in front of the computer or television set even though you know you have that coursework to finish. Test 1: You promise yourself this time when I get home I wont watch any television or Internet I will study for that exam. You get home you, get the books out. 5 mins later you get hungry. You decide to cook dinner. Then you notice the house is a mess and you kill a few hours cleaning it from chimney to doormat. Result: We realised what we did. We procrastinated. AGAIN.
You decide to quit smoking. Today is the first day and it's going well so far. Test 2: Everything that could go wrong goes wrong. The boss is yelling at you. You are running late for every meeting today and nothing is going right. Today was not the best day to quit smoking. Maybe tomorrow will be better, you think,  as you suck the life out of white stick and watch the smoke curl into the air. Results: Failed.

The point is everyday we have these little test, temptations, whatever you wish to call it that tempt us away from what we are trying to become. Most of us, myself included, if we fail we are tempted to give up. Why bother, it's too hard, is my life going to really change, I'm happy. Our minds a chamber of excuses that will get us killed. Unfortunately in life the only constant is change. Whether we fight or accept this change will determine what path our lives will take. Will we end up broken, scared but alive or would we be the living dead?

Happy Halloween everyone!!

Clack. Clack.

I woke up this morning like most weekday mornings thinking, CRAP!! Some days it's harder to stay focus on positivity than others. My job is a worthwhile, honourable job supporting people to help themselves but it's frustrating because there is are always obstacles in the form of mountainous paperwork, inept social workers, angry, ill informed clients, and ridiculous deadlines set by directors and managers far above reality that prove harder and harder to be met by the people who are actually on the front line. The one thing that this job has taught me is that I don't suffer fools gladly. Okay, admittedly I already knew that, It has led me to believe I'm a results oriented person. I like completeness in whatever I do, a beginning, a middle and an end. Unfortunately in this post things seem to be never ending. We provide ongoing support. So if a social worker has a client for two months we'll have them for minimum six months with equal volume of work. An image that aptly describes how I see is being in the middle on the ocean in a sinking dingy desperately trying to keep afloat by siphoning the water out with a leaky bucket. So where did it all go wrong? How did I get here so far from the dreams of childhood?

When I was a child, I had many dreams of becoming so much more than I am today. I remember as a young boy rushing home from school to turn on the television and watch Style with Elsa Klensch. It was my favourite program (in retrospect it should have been a warning sign). I would sit there, my young eyes glued to the television set and dream the dream that one day I would be designing beautiful clothes and creating magnificent interior designs. I even kept a book of my own fashion design drawings. And when I wasn't doing that I was thinking of new ways of creating new more colourful furnishing for the living room using discarded pieces of cloth that my mother had placed in an old cardboard box. But in a small island with even smaller minds, such grandiose dreams where never encouraged. It was dangerous to have dreams in a place where artistic dreams are destined to be still born. It was my first real introduction to disappointment. To know that my world of possibilities were limited. What use is colour and glitter in a world of black and white. Clack.

As I grew older my favourite subject at school was comprehension and composition. I loved writing stories. I love setting my imagination free. Flying dragons battling brave knights in armour, unicorns with rainbow coloured hair and bug eyed monsters as tall as buildings. But with the Common Entrance (CE) or as it was sometimes called the 11plus exams looming so close our teachers started to prepare us for this by drilling facts and figures into our mind. "Stop daydreaming and pay attention," they would shout as a blackboard duster when sailing pass the daydreamer's head. Time to put away childish things they told us in so many ways. The CE exams were an exam which every school child need to complete at 11+ years of age. Failure in these exams meant that your education was ended at 11 years of age. There was no time for play, writing stories of spacemen was never going to get get me A's or B's. Clack. Clack.

So here I am, so many years later in a land of opportunity. Certificates, diplomas and degrees lay yellowing and cracked at the bottom of a drawer as I doddle another comic book character. My artist self, hidden so long and denied the light struggles to breathe. It finds expression in a furtive painting, a doddle on a compliment slip, piles of half written stories on scraps of paper and ring notepads. Too afraid. Clack. No faith. Clack. Too old. Clack. No 'real' talent. Clack. The thoughts scurry across my mind like crabs and conspire to keep my true self hidden. The clack clack sound of their mental claws are loud in my head. Be reasonable. Clack. This is all you're ever going to be. Clack.

I know that as children we want to be everything. A fire fighting, space police, astronaut who's a ballet dancer cum interior designer on the weekends (or maybe that was just me).The point is, as we grow older we come to the inevitable realisation that we can't be everything. This realisation at first appears like the death of our dreams and we mourn those dreams. But if we are guided by positive role models and mentors wherever you find them we come to realise that from the death of one dream another can arise. Recognising our own strengths and weakness can be a God sent. Knowing in what area of your life you are weak can spur you on to improving it. If you want to be a scientist and you are weak in maths then you will work harder to get those maths grades up. If you want to be an artist but don't know the primary colours (red, yellow, blue) then you would learn the brush stroke techniques and colour chart. However there are times when we realise that n matter how much you study or hard you work it's not enough. That what we thought we wanted to do with our lives isn't what we want to do but what our parents want us to do. After all they only want the best for you. The last thing they want is for you to be a starving artist.

However a new path may open up, when we discover that what from what we see as a weakness, an unforeseen strength can emerge. OK, so the only good painting you can do is on your bedroom wall but you discover that you can paint pictures with words in a song or novel like no one else can. It is these strengths which we can harness and create a life for ourselves. For a lucky few people, they know what are their strengths and weakness, and are able to use them to their advantage. For the rest of us it's a daily struggle to find out what it's all about, find what you are good at and most importantly find what you enjoy doing. You can do most things but there will be something that you can do exceptionally well better than anyone.

For me I'm still on that journey. Hopefully this blog will help shine a light on the correct path I am to follow. So now every morning when I wake up and still think CRAP!! but I never leave it as that negative thought. Each day I am more determined to find my path to true happiness.

The Pursuit of Happyness

I just finished watching the movie The Pursuit of Happyness staring Will Smith, Thandie Newton and Jaden Smith. Sure the movie is  four years old, but I was in two minds about viewing it at the time it came out in the theatres. Like I said I procrastinate. I've watch Will Smith when he first started out in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and seen his early dramatic work in Six Degrees of Separation. There's no doubt that he is a good comedic actor but is he a good actor? Yes he is. He's not a great actor, yet, but the talent is there. I'll like to see him in more dramatic roles though.

The pursuit of happiness is something that we are all engaged in. You, me, all of us. We are all in the search for that which gives our lives meaning and joy whether that be a family, a satisfying job, spiritual growth, money in the bank or a roof over our head. But that's the wonderful thing. What makes you happy may not be what makes me happy but in the end despite our differences we are united in the pursuit of this happiness however it is defined. There was an interesting point that was raised in the movie about success equaling happiness. It also begs the question what is success? How do we define success and would you recognise it if you had it. There is a myth perpetuated by our Western society. Our parents, teachers and community leaders are all in cahoots with the myth and victims of the myth.The story goes that you go to school, get an education and get a good job and you will be successful and thus happy in life. I think many of us out there would agree that this is not a reality we live with in our day to day lives. There are a lot of university degree holders holding jobs that don't require a degree and  hence according to the tenements of our society are failures so cannot be happy. Just as there are a lot of people who don't have a high school or college education and therefore according to the rules should not be successful, and yet they are and happy. So what is going on?

Success (however you choose to define it) and happiness are not mutually exclusive terms but are two sides of the same corrupted coin. However that coin cannot be flipped without the hard work of your hands and where it lands depends of the wind of luck. It's said that success is 90% hard work and 10% luck. There is an element of truth in that. You cannot expect to achieve your goals if you are not willing to put in the research, follow it up by hard work and if you plan things just right, maybe, just maybe, you'll have a little bit of Lady Luck. However you think of success, you will need to plan for it. One of my favourite quotes from a friend of mine is Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. You can't have success if you don't know what it is and plan for it. You want to get married stop living like a singleton, create room in your life for another person. You want a child look start examining the various options, single parent, IVF, surrogacy or adoptions . Don't just wish your life away. People who wish their lives away end up with nothing but dreams, and we all know dreams are like mist. If you want to do something do it. As the character Will Smith said to his son, never let anyone tell you you cant do something, not even me. You want something go out there and get it, period.

I don't want anyone to leave here with the idea that this will be easy. If you compare yourself with other people and their present success to your lack of success you will always think they had it easy and lots of luck. But you'll only know half the story. You'll never truly know what other people have had to go though to achieve what little they have in their lives. I once heard this story told of a father who lived at the bottom of a mountain with his four sons. One year he asked his four sons to climb to the top of the mountain. At the top of this mountain was a large tree. "Tell  me what you see," he said. The first son climbed up to the tree in winter and reported back to his father that he saw a cold dead tree with no leaves, the second son climbed in spring and reported a green tree covered in water droplets, flowing sap, the third son  reported a sunny day with a tree open wide to the sky to provide shade, and abundant fruit and the fourth son reported a chilly day with a tree full of yellow, orange and red leaves on the tree and ground. The fours sons began to argue, each calling the other a liar, each swearing what the tree actually looked like. The father put a stop to the disagreement and said that they were all right. He explained that each son saw the same tree in a different season. "That tree," he said "was like a person. When we see someone and judge them we are judging them in one season of their life not their whole life. And unless you stay with that person their entire life you could never truly know the whole person."

In the end I thought the movie was a bit long, though the message was worth the wait. But that parallels life doesn't it. When we are in the middle of all the craziness that's happening around us we think it's long and will never end. This movie reminds me that it is not the end but the journey that counts. It's when things look the darkness that I've got to remember to shine that light, keep believing in myself and never give up the pursuit of happiness.

P.S. How many people saw the cameo by the real Chris Garner at the end of the movie?

The Spider in my Mind 2

So I had a choice take a long hard look at myself or bury my head in the sand and continue as I've always been. Knowing me back then the choice really wasn't that hard. I dumped my second friend. Hey if you'd known me then, you would have known I took no prisoners. I would have made a great supervillian (they have sooo much more fun). No monologuing, just right between the eyes, nice and clean. Sigh, But I digress. There were now two sticking loads in the garbage and the smell was becoming overwhelming. Maybe they are right. Maybe I have been a Misery Gus all my life and then it hit me. I realised why the lawn of my mind was so lush and green. It was because for years I've been using great fertilizer. Pure grade bullshit. That's right, masking my fear behind a "superiority complex" (though my favourite response to this was "It's not a complex, I am superior." but i digress. LOL ) was pure Grade A bullshit. If the lawn in my mind was real I could have planted crops and fed the world, trice over. It was that lush.

So thus begun my journey towards taking a long hard look at myself. And the truth is no matter what I may have thought in the past, I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm only human, with all the flaws, fears, phobias that we all as humans share. There is a saying ask and you shall receive. From the moment I began to start questioning myself people and events around started to change to help me. I started meeting people who encouraged me to really start looking at my reactions to things, I came across self help books in libraries for me to read, movies with a similar theme of positivity came flooding into my life. Synchronicity, it was all around me and when it rains it pours. I felt as if I was getting hit over the head repeatedly. It was overwhelming and I grew scared and shut down.

You see it's hard after years of blaming other people for your problems to suddenly realise that the mess that is your life is your own doing and responsibility. To take responsibility for the reason you are not doing what you want to do with your life and realise that it's your own fault and no one else's is a monumental epiphany. Sure the excuses surface like dead fish in a poisoned river, "But it's not my fault I haven't been promoted, my boss doesn't like be because I'm Black, Female, Jewish, Irish, Gay, Jedi." Well honey look around you, there are a lot of Black, Female, Jewish, Irish, Gay, Jedi people out there who are making it in their fields. "Well surely, it's my grandparents, parents, teachers, friends, community leaders, my boss, THE MAN's fault that I'm not everything i dreamed of being."  Actually No. It isn't. All of theses people may have shaped the man/woman you are today but it is you who determine the man/woman you will be tomorrow. So where does the blame stop and personal responsibility begin? When do I stop blaming others for my problems and start doing something about them? The only difference between you and me and the people we admire is that no matter how many times they fall they pick themselves back up again.

So each and everyday I pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. I realise now that the choices I made that led me to where I am today were not right or wrong choices, but choices I made based on the knowledge I had at the time. Now that I am older and hopefully wiser I can look back at those choices without regret but with a sense that I did the best that i knew how to do at that time. I know that each choice comes from a previous choice made, and every time I make a choice it shouldn't be about is it the right choice or not. It should be about the choice itself and learning not to blame myself but to accept the responsibility for the consequences of that choice.

The question that remains is what's next. Where do I go from here? I pick up my self help books, I listen to people's advice, I watch positive message television and I know that no matter what, it's all down to me. Just because I surround myself with positivity doesn't mean my life would automatically change. The law of attraction doesn't work that way. My ideas must be followed by action. My dream plus action equals goals. My goals plus action equals a new reality. Everyone knows that the hardest part of change is beginning. And let me tell you I can procrastinate for England. But once I commit myself to that change things just fall into place and when they go wrong, like the spider whose web is crushed, I just pick myself back up and try again. So though this blog may occasionally wander into areas that, on the surface, may not necessarily have anything to do with positive change it is all part of the process of becoming. Each post is a silken thread towards creating a fine home.

So though I still don't like spiders, I do admire the industrious buggers, No matter how many times you knock their webs down they rebuild, never giving up. The little engine that could got nothing on my eight legged friends.

"...Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the spout again."

The Spider in my Mind 1

I never liked spiders. I don't know if it's instinctive or the fact they look so alien, or they sneak up on you when you least expect it. You would think something with that many legs would at lease make a sound. Forget belling the cat, put some hard soled shoes on those arachnids.

Well the trouble began, as it always does, with something small. At least this time it wasn't a spider. No, for me it was an idea. My friends always tell me I think to much. Maybe they're right. But what do they know, right? Just because you know a guy for a couple years doesn't mean you know him. Right?

This blog started with a simple idea. To chronicle positive change in my life. Simple enough. Or so I thought. Somewhere along the lines the goalpost shifted.

To understand I have to take you back a few years. Imagine it. I'm a teenager, sheltered lifestyle, socially awkward and snotty, academically brilliant but shy (translation: Nerd. Second translation: Virgin) I'm lying on the floor having a conversation with one of my few friends who isn't imaginary and he turns to me and says out of the blue like a silent assassin, "You know, you're a very negative person". You could have heard a pin drop and bear in mind the floors were carpeted. "I'm sorry," I said trying to keep my voice under control through gritted teeth. Personally I had never viewed myself as being a negative minded person. A realist yes, but never negative. "You're very negative,"  he repeated with what I though at the time was some gall. In my mind I was fighting with myself. Growing up as an only child, I was not the kind of teenage boy who was accustomed to being challenged. My word was law. I could see I was going to have to put this little upstart in his place. But yet, at the same time, my arrogance would not allow me to become one of "those people". You know the ones I'm  talking about. The ones that dismiss anything that challenges their world view despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary of how wrong they are. So I did something very difficult, I listened instead of fringed interest.

I think that was the day my life changed. I began to gate watch my thoughts and actions and I realised that although I didn't fully agree with my now estranged friend, he may have been right. He had planted a seed in my mind. A contaminant to my manicured and ordered life. It was like watching your neighbour's dog take a dump on the astro turf of my mind. Well, I had no intentions of letting that pile lie. I picked it up and sealed that idea in a garbage bin of fear, denial and pride. However the thing about these ideas that out of sight doesnt necesary mean out of mind and as the years pass I would occassionally get a whip of that turd. It wasn't until years later that another friend told me the same very thing. Another dog was taking a dump on my mind. I had two choices, change my thinking or get new friends. ...to be continued

"The itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the water spout
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out..."

Black History Month - Why should I care?

It's October, Black history month in England. Do I care? Is this still relevant? Growing up as part of  "The Americas" and receiving a rash of American television, Black history month is presented as a big deal (for African Americans at least). Of course not being an African American I don't really know if I am seeing this through television eyes where everything looks bigger than it is in reality. Tom Cruise, anyone?

Over in London, I don't hear a peep about it. I only knew it was Black History Month because I came across a newsletter. So my question to myself why do I not know about this month? I've not a few theories. The first is I, as an individual, I'm not part of the black British community. I'm more on the periphery by the fact that we sharing the same colour skin and geographical location. However that's where the similarities ends. I do not share the same world view. I never grew up in a world where I was a colour minority. This and my life experiences have shaped my psyche, aspirations and obstacles. I knew my own history, I had great teachers who made me question the world around me and never just accept things on face value. So if someone said "Black people are...." I never took their word for it and but did the research myself. By the way anyone who starts statements generalising people on race, religion, nationality, sexuality, whatever, is really not someone you should be taking advice from. So Black History month, that's a joke right? I didn't need any such thing. I am living it everyday. My very presence on the island was a testament to black history. No one needed to rehash old wounds. Certainly not me.

But things change. As an immigrant to any society you are immediately the other. Whether through language, religion, values, skin colour. Moving from a society where you are in the majority to one where you are a minority gives much needed perspective. Suddenly it all made sense.

Years ago I was a teaching assistant in a school and for Black History Month the kids were doing projects on black role models. There was no real interest in the project by the teachers it being a tick box exercise and the examples there were giving were the usual regurgitated people Sojourner Truth, Rosa Parks, Martin Luthor King, Madame CJ Walker, Malcolm X, and George Washington Carver. All Americans, all important, all dead. Oh sure they added in a sprinkle of celebrities from the black trinity of Sports, Music and Entertainment like, Colin Jackson, PDiddy, Naomi Campbell, and Oprah Winfrey, no one that you would really have to hurt your brain to suggest. The kids weren't encouraged to go beyond the surface and find out about people like Lonnie Johnson, David Lammy, Ozwald Boateng, Angie Lemar.

Kids need role models. Someone to emulate and look up to. And if the images that we see, the articles we read, and the words that we speak are all negative then what do you expect but a negative outlook on life. If by your words, actions and body language you scream "I know you and this is all you can achieve, so don't bother to try"  then something is seriously wrong. For the politically correct/liberal tree huggers out there who preach the colour of a person's skin should not affect who they choose as they role models take a step back and look at yourself. I'm betting you were never a visual minority in your society. I'm betting you never had to walk down a street and see people clutch their purses or check for their wallets as you approach. Never had people approach you with the assumption that they know everything about you based on what they saw on television last night. Never had the most powerful, influencing tool of the 20th Century subtly and not so subtly tell you that you can only go this far and no further. "But I have loads of black friends and we get along great, I'm not racist" I hear you say. Really? Then why do you always think of them as your black friends and never just your friends. Why do I feel like a fashion accessory for you to parade and prove your open minded credentials to other liberal tree huggers. By the way what was that hesitation in your voice, and wide eyed stare when i asked to marry your daughter, friend.

So yeah though I may not feel as passionate about Black History Month as some of you, I do care. How else can we know where we are going if we don't know where we have come from?

My authentic Self

OK, so it's been awhile and a lot has happen. Noooo I didn't win the £113 euro millions. But what if I did? Did you really think i would tell you? Really? Come on...(wink)Anyway that brings me onto tonight's musings on the topic of honesty.

What does it mean to be honest? We all have an idea what it means...don't tell lies and speak the truth. But it's all external isn't it? What about self honesty. Being honest with oneself. How many time have you heard someone say "you can lie to me but be honest with yourself."  More times than you can count? Or is that just me?

How many of us are really honest with ourselves. How many of us are willing to look into that mirror everyday and really see the true you. I had an epiphany recently when I realised that although I look at my mirror every morning, I never truly see myself. It's like looking trough a cracked mirror. A sleepy eye, an itchy nose, a stray eyebrow, a dry mouth. Bits and pieces, never the whole. Which is why sometimes when I am out and about and I see a reflection of myself in a stationary bus window or a reflective surface I am truly surprise by how I look. I see a guy leaning against a wall, smiling to himself and it takes a second for my brain to click that "Hey, that's me. I'm cute". (lol, and modest). But why not say it. It gets me in enough trouble. I am cute and as i grow older I hope to become handsome, distinguished and finally that dirty old man who's always shouting at the neighbourhood kids to stay off his lawn. Ahh life. :-)

But I digress...on a more serious note, I believe the eyes are the windows to the soul and they can reveal so much about a person. Which is probably why I don't like looking directly at someones eyes. I can instantly tell when they are being dishonesty and sometime, frankly I just don't want to know. Lie to me. Tell me I'm beautiful, tell me I'm not just another notch on your bedpost. Make me believe. If I close my eyes maybe I'll believe you.

There are times when I cant even look at my own eyes in the mirror. To look at those windows and see the shrewd single mindedness of my logical mind, like a dangerous flash of a knife in the dark. To see the metal heart and the predator's eyes that goes after what it wants without hesitation or mercy. To see the failed dreams like dead leaves on a cracked desert floor....and after all that, what is left ,but a frightened boy. My authentic self.

Crab Mentality

Yesterday I spent all day in bed. There was no reason other than I could. I'm currently reading Terry Pratchett's  Unseen Academicals and came across a term which I have heard my entire life so was pleasantly surprise to see Terry writing about this term. It's called crab mentality, or as we say at home crabs in the bucket syndrome. In all my conversations, the use of this term is never a good. It is usually used to refer to a group of people who are in an impoverished circumstance and will do what they can out of spite, fear, or ignorance to prevent a member of their own community from advancing and get out of the bucket. Basically "If I cant have it, why should you."

What i found very interesting with his book is the concept that the crabs could be in your own mind. I've always looked at it as an external conflict and never saw the crabs in my own mind that were keeping me from achieving things in my life. The very act of laying in bed all day was a crab. I told myself i had the right to despite knowing there were things to be done houshold chores and otherwise. The belief that I will be foolish to apply for one of those "high flying jobs" because I "dont fit the look"  or "be happy where you are, you might not get something as good" is itself another crab.

So I've decided to become a crab catcher and guard my mind against the invasion of the crabs both external and internal least I give up on my hopes, dreams and goals to make it out of the bucket and end up pulled to the bottom. 

Dont stand still...

I can't believe it. It's been a decade since I have been in London. So much has happened in that time both negative and positive but I will say that in the last few years things have been increasingly positive and I have grown up alot. New homes, New jobs, New attitude. :-) So how am I going to celebrate. I will probably buy lots of candy. I have sooo got a sweet tooth.

Workwise it continues to be a mountaious avalanche of work. Something is going to give. I can feel it in my waters. lol. However the best way to conquer a mountain is by putting one foot in from in from of the other (well that or getting a plane and fly over the bloody thing).

I Love the 80s

How did anyone growing up to the pop songs and videos of the 80s turn out straight? Celebs like Boy George, Marilyn, Erasure, Dead or Alive, David Bowie, Madonna,. These men all wore enough makeup, lip gloss and glitzy costumes to make Marilyn Monroe look dowdy...what?..Madonna is a woman?..Are you sure? Really? (Kidding Madge, you know I love you! Don't sue me. :-)) The 80s music industry also saw androgynous women like Annie Lennox, Madonna, Sharleen Spiteri, Lisa Stanfield, all beautiful, all strong, all inspirational as women and as human beings.  

I'm a child of the 80s. I admit it. I love the music,. I know I can already hear the strains of grandpa from you young folk. But I tell you there was no better decade for good music, video cassettes, Rubik cubes, Gremlins, Transformers.  I could go on, but I wont. 

Positive things today. I made my first sale as an artist.

Is this my Reality?



Half Full or Empty

 Why is it that people accept negativity as a reality and positivity as a fantasy? I'm been feeling blue for the last couple days and it shows. Anyway I was talking to a colleague and she basically said that it's not natural to be positive all the time. It's not reality. WHAT!? So it's seen as facing reality if you are a "Misery Gus" but not if you are a "Pollyanna". B******t

A lot of people seem to possess this view of reality. "That's life. It's just the way things are. Life is serious",  they are always saying. You know the ones. They settle for what life gives them and are thankful. F**K that!! There is no way I'm going to settle. If I go down, I go down fighting.

PEOPLE WAKE UP!!. We make our own reality.  We may not have control over everything in our lives but we damn well have control of our attitude towards the event.

Take the singer Madonna, please!! LOL. Say what you like about her, she came from nothing and has achieve a helluva lot. You've got to admire her tenacity, marketing and self promotional skills. Whatever happens, no matter how many times she gets knocked down she always gets back up.

"They say that a good thing never lasts
And then it has to fall
Those are the the people that did not
Amount to much at all."
(Madonna, Give it to me)

There's beauty all around us



Caroni River Mangroves

  This is a picture of a Mangrove swamp i toured. It's amazing how you can live day in and day out and never realise what beauty is on your doorstep.



The real hustle and flow: catfish fishing

 Monday morning when you're rushing to places of steel and glass, stressed because you're late take a breath and think of this, just because it's important to you doesn't mean it's important.

Dirty Little Secret

Well it's the end of another work week. Same old same old. More work than there is time. But my new attitude is helping me handle it. I am learning to let go and maybe enjoy life a bit more.  At the moment that means I'm watching a rerun of Star Trek Voyager. Yes I admit it, I'm a Trekkie. Live long and Prosper.

Coming soon. A new era of entertainment.

Choices

Everyday we make choices. The choice to take the bus or walk, to go left or right. Whatever choice we make has seen and unforeseen consequences. Today I couldn't help think of the choices I made in my life and wondered how different my life would have been. I could be living in another country, speaking another language, be married with child. A whole different me.

Do I regret any of my choices? No. They were made using the information I had at the time. The result of emotion, desperation, fear, snobbery and sometime logic. Am i stuck with my choices? No. And that's what sets me free. Knowing I can walk away from all this anytime I want, because even that is a choice.

What choices did you make today?

Musings

Well, I've had 2 yoga classes, it's interesting. Yoga seems to be one long stretch. It is Hatha Yoga after all so I guess it's not as intensive as the others.  I'm sticking with it and see what happens.

I'm thinking about having a child and I think it's a huge responsibility and cost and then maybe I should wait till I'm more settled. Anyone who's ever seen the movie "Idiocracy" will know what I mean when i say this is a bad idea. Go forth and multiply.

Day four of my Positive Thinking project (breathe in positivity, breathe out negativity)

Saying yes to everything has it's good and bad points. It opens a world of opportunities. However what you do with those opportunities is up to you.

I've created a blog to chronicle my thoughts and ideas which in itself is strange because i've never really had an interest in blogging before. I tried Yoga for the first time, attended my first ever ballet (Alvin Ailey), and talked to a stranger without feeling self conscious (that's a biggie in London).

It's all about conquering fear...Fear of the unknown, fear of looking stupid or being embarassed or of letting people in. Being aware of this on a conscious level has allowed me to approach fearful situations differently. From releasing a spider instead of killing it and ask questions later(my default setting) to understanding a hostile coworker's reaction is like that becuse she's scared she messed up and shouting and screaming at the people around her isnt going to make it any better. You're still f**ked.

Welcome to the rabbit hole, Alice

Think Positive. The Law of Attraction. The Secret. We've all heard them. Lately it seems you cant crack open a bottle of anti-depressants without some do-gooder telling you that it's all going to be OK if we just believe. No money? Just wish it and it you will be yours. Need that new house? Visualise it. Boyfriend left you for some stank whore? Think positive, maybe she'll give him an STD. OK, maybe that last one wasn't exactly what they meant by positive thinking. But it all sounds so ridiculously simple.

But maybe that's it. Maybe it is just so simple that it just might work. What if you could create your own reality? What does that mean? Think of the implications. All the things that have happened in your life up to this point is your own doing. You're the reason you're in a messed up relationship. You're the reason your job sucks. You choose to stay there and made it your reality.

Creating your reality. Law of attraction. None it it happens in a bubble. Thoughts need to be followed by actions as dreams become goals. You complain about your job-are you giving 100% or doing as little as possible. Visualising about that better job...did you updated your CV today? Looked at training opportunities at your office. Further Education courses? Got a family, too old, too tired, too busy, making excuses? You just spent 8 hours working for the MAN. How many hours have you worked for yourself today?