So I had a choice take a long hard look at myself or bury my head in the sand and continue as I've always been. Knowing me back then the choice really wasn't that hard. I dumped my second friend. Hey if you'd known me then, you would have known I took no prisoners. I would have made a great supervillian (they have sooo much more fun). No monologuing, just right between the eyes, nice and clean. Sigh, But I digress. There were now two sticking loads in the garbage and the smell was becoming overwhelming. Maybe they are right. Maybe I have been a Misery Gus all my life and then it hit me. I realised why the lawn of my mind was so lush and green. It was because for years I've been using great fertilizer. Pure grade bullshit. That's right, masking my fear behind a "superiority complex" (though my favourite response to this was "It's not a complex, I am superior." but i digress. LOL ) was pure Grade A bullshit. If the lawn in my mind was real I could have planted crops and fed the world, trice over. It was that lush.
So thus begun my journey towards taking a long hard look at myself. And the truth is no matter what I may have thought in the past, I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm only human, with all the flaws, fears, phobias that we all as humans share. There is a saying ask and you shall receive. From the moment I began to start questioning myself people and events around started to change to help me. I started meeting people who encouraged me to really start looking at my reactions to things, I came across self help books in libraries for me to read, movies with a similar theme of positivity came flooding into my life. Synchronicity, it was all around me and when it rains it pours. I felt as if I was getting hit over the head repeatedly. It was overwhelming and I grew scared and shut down.
You see it's hard after years of blaming other people for your problems to suddenly realise that the mess that is your life is your own doing and responsibility. To take responsibility for the reason you are not doing what you want to do with your life and realise that it's your own fault and no one else's is a monumental epiphany. Sure the excuses surface like dead fish in a poisoned river, "But it's not my fault I haven't been promoted, my boss doesn't like be because I'm Black, Female, Jewish, Irish, Gay, Jedi." Well honey look around you, there are a lot of Black, Female, Jewish, Irish, Gay, Jedi people out there who are making it in their fields. "Well surely, it's my grandparents, parents, teachers, friends, community leaders, my boss, THE MAN's fault that I'm not everything i dreamed of being." Actually No. It isn't. All of theses people may have shaped the man/woman you are today but it is you who determine the man/woman you will be tomorrow. So where does the blame stop and personal responsibility begin? When do I stop blaming others for my problems and start doing something about them? The only difference between you and me and the people we admire is that no matter how many times they fall they pick themselves back up again.
So each and everyday I pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. I realise now that the choices I made that led me to where I am today were not right or wrong choices, but choices I made based on the knowledge I had at the time. Now that I am older and hopefully wiser I can look back at those choices without regret but with a sense that I did the best that i knew how to do at that time. I know that each choice comes from a previous choice made, and every time I make a choice it shouldn't be about is it the right choice or not. It should be about the choice itself and learning not to blame myself but to accept the responsibility for the consequences of that choice.
The question that remains is what's next. Where do I go from here? I pick up my self help books, I listen to people's advice, I watch positive message television and I know that no matter what, it's all down to me. Just because I surround myself with positivity doesn't mean my life would automatically change. The law of attraction doesn't work that way. My ideas must be followed by action. My dream plus action equals goals. My goals plus action equals a new reality. Everyone knows that the hardest part of change is beginning. And let me tell you I can procrastinate for England. But once I commit myself to that change things just fall into place and when they go wrong, like the spider whose web is crushed, I just pick myself back up and try again. So though this blog may occasionally wander into areas that, on the surface, may not necessarily have anything to do with positive change it is all part of the process of becoming. Each post is a silken thread towards creating a fine home.
So though I still don't like spiders, I do admire the industrious buggers, No matter how many times you knock their webs down they rebuild, never giving up. The little engine that could got nothing on my eight legged friends.
"...Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the spout again."
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