Hello there...it's the start of a new year 2012 and time to clear out the old and usher in the new.
2011 was an interesting year to say the least.It start off full of promise but like most promises life can get in the way. I think the lesson I've learnt is that I should do only one thing at a time and not try to achieve everything at the same time. This usually results in my not doing anything and sinking into a state of depression.
I promised myself that 2012 was going to be my year of being British. What does that mean I hear you ask? Well, it simply mean I'm am going to try and engage in activities that are traditionally British activities. Events such as BBC Proms at Royal Albert Hall, visits to the lake district, see all the museums cultural centres like Shakespeare Globe theatre, Stonehenge, etc. The one tradition I draw the line at is visiting Thailand and hooking up with some lady boy. I do have my limits. LOL (kidding).
I am actually looking forward to all this and hopefully I have learnt from my mistakes in 2011 and wouldn't repeat them in 2012. After all those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. So wish me luck and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!. May it be an Olympian one! lol.
Saturday 31 December 2011
Thursday 8 December 2011
Sometimes Destiny and Choice are the same thing
There are many proverbs in the English language about the subject of opportunity and chance.
- Opportunity only knocks once
- Opportunity seldom knocks twice
- Strike while the iron is hot
- Time and Tide wait on no man
- When one door shuts another opens
They are all common sense truths based on humanities shared experience. Unfortunately in the past few years I've had forgotten about these basic truths and life lessons though evidence of its existence is all around me. Like many of us I'm so caught up in the mechanisms of my everyday life that I can't see the forest from the trees. There are times in our lives when opportunities are handed to us and we ignore it or say no. And yet, strangely these opportunities present themselves over and over again in our lives in different disguises, vying for our attention. Now all that is required is that we stop and see them for what they are.
I was talking to a friend of mine earlier this week and we were discussing how unhappy we are with the way things are changing in our lives particularly that growing sense that we're not in control of our lives. After all , if i am the captain of my ship why am i crashed upon the rocks. She then told me the story of her boyfriend and how his life is totally different. Her boyfriend (lets call him Hans) is a small business entrepreneur who has had varying degrees of success and failure as all businessmen but the one constant that has remained with him is that whether it is during periods of success or failure he is always open to opportunities in his life. After a prolong period of success he lost everything when market forces and competition moved against him. the consequences of which he ended up living with friends on their couch. During his successful years he met a lot of people, he has an extroverted personality so he talks with every and anyone. One such person was the manager of a London Hotel. During a conversation one day and the manager mentioned that they have a German business group staying at the hotel and they were currently looking for an interpreter. Hans offered his services (he speaks multiple languages of which German is one) and the upshot of it was he was offered the job as an interpreter for 6 months, stayed free of charge at the hotel and saved enough money that when the interpreting work dried up he when straight back into business which he continues to this day. He could have been despondent about the initial business failure and given up on himself but he didn’t. He just kept on going and doing things. This is a philosophy that worked for him and had been taught to him by his grandfather. His grandfather was in the second word war and he passed on the lessons that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and that he should live life for today seizing each opportunity that life gives him.
After hearing this story it made me want to be more conscious of the opportunities that present themselves in my life. Recently I had been thinking of purchasing an iPod as a gift for my little cousin and was talking to a friend of mine as we looked online to see that the price was a bit steep. Then that very evening when I got home there was an email from apple about getting a replacement iPod for 1st generation holders. Normally i would have ignored this email but then i realise this could solve my predicament. A new iPod for free. So i took a chance and ordered one. SNAP! Synchronicity don't you just love it.
However recognising opportunities has been and continues to be a conscious effort on my part to keep my eyes open and see the chances open up before me. And yet being able to spot an opportunity isn't enough. It's about following up those opportunities taking chances and acting upon them. WithoutWriting took such a chance. Whether or not he was conscious of it at the time , an opportunity arose for him to leave everything he knew behind and explore a new country for at least 6 months and he took it. I've got to say I'm very proud of him. Stepping out of your comfort zone is a great way to learn about yourself and learn about your limitations and strengths. Immigrating to this country on my own I know what it's like to leave behind all that you know and throw yourself at the deep end. But i wounldnt trade this experience for the world. So here to keeping your eyes peeled and ears open for that knocking sound.
However recognising opportunities has been and continues to be a conscious effort on my part to keep my eyes open and see the chances open up before me. And yet being able to spot an opportunity isn't enough. It's about following up those opportunities taking chances and acting upon them. WithoutWriting took such a chance. Whether or not he was conscious of it at the time , an opportunity arose for him to leave everything he knew behind and explore a new country for at least 6 months and he took it. I've got to say I'm very proud of him. Stepping out of your comfort zone is a great way to learn about yourself and learn about your limitations and strengths. Immigrating to this country on my own I know what it's like to leave behind all that you know and throw yourself at the deep end. But i wounldnt trade this experience for the world. So here to keeping your eyes peeled and ears open for that knocking sound.
Thursday 21 July 2011
Opps,... I did it again.
Sometimes I am really hard on myself and when I'm in such a mood, I lock myself away from the world and like a wounded bear go in a dark corner and lick my wounds. Yesterday was one such day. It was a long day with no let up. Everyone was making demands of my time, and if it's one thing I don't like; it's people encroaching on my time.
Everyday for the past few months I've made a promise to myself that I will say in this job for two years before moving on to something else. My two years will be up at the end of this month and I still don't know what's that 'something else' which I intend to move onto. I am angry with myself that I seem stuck in my life. Unmoving(unwilling to move?) stuck in a quagmire of my own design and there lies the crux of the problem. Is my present position one of my own making or am I a puppet in a madman's hand. I am torn within myself having experienced a schism in my psyche whose dichotomy I am finding increasingly difficult to reunite. Growing up I was led to believe that my life was been led and ordered by some unseen power. However after living in the UK for so many years and being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking this has resulted in my questioning my own worldview. I am an independent man unchained by family, history, society or religion. Adrift on the proverbial rough seas I desperately weave a seaweed and driftwood raft of a myriad of ideas that has been handed down to me by every person that I have met.
This divisions is my worldview is something I have wrestled and continue to wrestle with because of the implications. Believing that I am guided by some unseen order means I felt that I can coast through life and let whatever happens, happen to me. On the other hand if I am responsible for my experience of life then a belief in an unseen force is a crutch and weakness that had hindered my development to be all that I can be.
I take no prisoners. My personality is I am black or white No shades of grey. And yet knowing this is not enough. The mind wants to maintain the staus quo and will not tolerate change easily. Self sabotage is a wild king dancing a merry tune in my mind. Yesterday in a fit of rage and madness I sat down to start writing my resume in the hopes of moving on but before I knew it that little gremlin in the back of my mind starts to whisper and pour his poisonous words in my ear, 'Why? What are you doing? Where are you going? Don't jump from the pot into the fire? Stay where you are, it's a job and you are being paid.' All monster excuses that beat repeatedly upon the already cracked and fragile door of my mind, until my resistance splinters and crashes down so that before I knew it I had spent hours watching music videos on you tube. I love music. But it didn't help me. I was furious with myself. Once again I had become sidetracked but every failure meant that I would grow stronger. Until one day I will break this cycle.
Everyday for the past few months I've made a promise to myself that I will say in this job for two years before moving on to something else. My two years will be up at the end of this month and I still don't know what's that 'something else' which I intend to move onto. I am angry with myself that I seem stuck in my life. Unmoving(unwilling to move?) stuck in a quagmire of my own design and there lies the crux of the problem. Is my present position one of my own making or am I a puppet in a madman's hand. I am torn within myself having experienced a schism in my psyche whose dichotomy I am finding increasingly difficult to reunite. Growing up I was led to believe that my life was been led and ordered by some unseen power. However after living in the UK for so many years and being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking this has resulted in my questioning my own worldview. I am an independent man unchained by family, history, society or religion. Adrift on the proverbial rough seas I desperately weave a seaweed and driftwood raft of a myriad of ideas that has been handed down to me by every person that I have met.
This divisions is my worldview is something I have wrestled and continue to wrestle with because of the implications. Believing that I am guided by some unseen order means I felt that I can coast through life and let whatever happens, happen to me. On the other hand if I am responsible for my experience of life then a belief in an unseen force is a crutch and weakness that had hindered my development to be all that I can be.
I take no prisoners. My personality is I am black or white No shades of grey. And yet knowing this is not enough. The mind wants to maintain the staus quo and will not tolerate change easily. Self sabotage is a wild king dancing a merry tune in my mind. Yesterday in a fit of rage and madness I sat down to start writing my resume in the hopes of moving on but before I knew it that little gremlin in the back of my mind starts to whisper and pour his poisonous words in my ear, 'Why? What are you doing? Where are you going? Don't jump from the pot into the fire? Stay where you are, it's a job and you are being paid.' All monster excuses that beat repeatedly upon the already cracked and fragile door of my mind, until my resistance splinters and crashes down so that before I knew it I had spent hours watching music videos on you tube. I love music. But it didn't help me. I was furious with myself. Once again I had become sidetracked but every failure meant that I would grow stronger. Until one day I will break this cycle.
Monday 4 July 2011
It's Playtime
WAKE UP PEOPLE, WE'VE BEEN SCAMMED!! HOODWINKED, AND BAMBOOZLED.
Being an adult is not all they said it was going to be.
Earlier this evening I was sitting on my gallery and looking down on some kids playing hide and seek on the estate and thinking to myself. 'Geez, I haven't played in forever,' I mean really played. That abandon of screaming in the wind as you play tag with your friends, the genuine excitement of running, jumping , exploring, curiosity, fearlessness, having a bundle of emotion that explode out of you every second that you don't waste time analysing it you just live it. I miss that. Sometimes being an adult really blows.
They tell you that when you become an adult you can do what you want, stay up as late as you want, and have ice cream for breakfast if you want, and we believe them. So in the back of our minds whenever you have an argument with our parents and they ground you we think "as soon as I'm 18, I'm out of here." You want to live the dream. But you know what, yeah you can have that ice cream for breakfast and watch all the late night television you want, what they don't tell you is as an adult if you live "the dream"you end up 300 pounds overweight, barely able to breathe, and eventually carried out into the flashing lights of the Press on a forklift like some bloated, beached whale. Being an adult they never mention that you get all serious and forget about real, soul nourishing, fun. Now fun is found at the bottom of a bottle on a Friday night as we dance our youth away in a haze of strobe lights and earsplitting music.
I want to run barefoot in the grass with my dog laughing with genuine joy, I want to shower in the rain I want to feel the world is full of possibilities again, I want to learn to play again.
Being an adult is not all they said it was going to be.
Earlier this evening I was sitting on my gallery and looking down on some kids playing hide and seek on the estate and thinking to myself. 'Geez, I haven't played in forever,' I mean really played. That abandon of screaming in the wind as you play tag with your friends, the genuine excitement of running, jumping , exploring, curiosity, fearlessness, having a bundle of emotion that explode out of you every second that you don't waste time analysing it you just live it. I miss that. Sometimes being an adult really blows.
They tell you that when you become an adult you can do what you want, stay up as late as you want, and have ice cream for breakfast if you want, and we believe them. So in the back of our minds whenever you have an argument with our parents and they ground you we think "as soon as I'm 18, I'm out of here." You want to live the dream. But you know what, yeah you can have that ice cream for breakfast and watch all the late night television you want, what they don't tell you is as an adult if you live "the dream"you end up 300 pounds overweight, barely able to breathe, and eventually carried out into the flashing lights of the Press on a forklift like some bloated, beached whale. Being an adult they never mention that you get all serious and forget about real, soul nourishing, fun. Now fun is found at the bottom of a bottle on a Friday night as we dance our youth away in a haze of strobe lights and earsplitting music.
I want to run barefoot in the grass with my dog laughing with genuine joy, I want to shower in the rain I want to feel the world is full of possibilities again, I want to learn to play again.
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Happy Parents Day
I never trusted the water companies, they must have spiked my tap water. It's the only explanation for what's happening to me.
Lately I've been feeling broody, paternal, maternal even, which is interesting since last time I checked I was still a guy. But the way I'm feeling I'm only surprised I'm not lactating. All my friends are starting to have, or have started having families. Babies, toddlers and ankle biters are all around me and where previously there has been no interest on my part for anything beneath three feet tall, suddenly I find myself starting into strangers prams and smiling at their little bundle of joy. What is up with that?
First off let me say I''ve always valued my independence, having no commitments or family ties to stop me from achieving anything I want to in life. The things mere mortals prized highly a love one, kids, family, a home, a mortgage...living the dream they called it. I thought you might as well lock me in a damp dungeon and throw away the keys. It was a nightmare scenario for me cause I felt it meant that I was becoming trapped and my life was over. Now all of a sudden I find myself fantasying about having a relationship and a family or as I sometimes call it, a jail sentence with hard labour (with the possibility for parole for good behaviour, of course).
I must admit, this familial interest isn't a recent development. It's been on and off for the last 4-5 months now but I've only just gotten the courage to publicly admit it. I think it came full blown when I visited my cousins with their children. I should have know it was a conspiracy when I was getting all these hugs from the 3 and 7 year old and the cutest smiles from the 1 year old. They worked me over for the three weeks i was there, melting the ice around my heart until they had me wrapped around their little fingers that I was promising of entertaining them in London should they visit. Oh, they got me good.
I thought being back in London the ice around my heart would start to reform and harden but no. Instead I'm having dreams of my future children (Marcus and Celia) yes, that was their names in the dream, and it's seeping into my reality so now I'm thinking of getting a little rugrat of my own. A mini me with whom I can plot to take over the world. But children are for life, not just Christmas. That means they are a HUGH responsibility. Even with the German nanny. The friends of mine with toddlers tell me the stories of sleepless nights, concerns about teething, illnesses. And it doesn't get any easier as they get older. I see the neighbourhood kids and I think I don't want my son/daughter hanging around "those" kids. Cause you know when they reach teenage years, if they were anything like me there'll be doors slamming, moody spells of silence cause if you don't know what's wrong I'm not going to tell you, and finally spending alot of time in the room alone listening to heavy metal music or "researching" (the male readers know what I'm talking about). I don't know how my mother put up with me.
I should go give her a call. So to all you mums and dads out there I salute you. You're doing the toughest job with no pay, but you can't beat those hugs, kisses and laughter for perks.
Lately I've been feeling broody, paternal, maternal even, which is interesting since last time I checked I was still a guy. But the way I'm feeling I'm only surprised I'm not lactating. All my friends are starting to have, or have started having families. Babies, toddlers and ankle biters are all around me and where previously there has been no interest on my part for anything beneath three feet tall, suddenly I find myself starting into strangers prams and smiling at their little bundle of joy. What is up with that?
First off let me say I''ve always valued my independence, having no commitments or family ties to stop me from achieving anything I want to in life. The things mere mortals prized highly a love one, kids, family, a home, a mortgage...living the dream they called it. I thought you might as well lock me in a damp dungeon and throw away the keys. It was a nightmare scenario for me cause I felt it meant that I was becoming trapped and my life was over. Now all of a sudden I find myself fantasying about having a relationship and a family or as I sometimes call it, a jail sentence with hard labour (with the possibility for parole for good behaviour, of course).
I must admit, this familial interest isn't a recent development. It's been on and off for the last 4-5 months now but I've only just gotten the courage to publicly admit it. I think it came full blown when I visited my cousins with their children. I should have know it was a conspiracy when I was getting all these hugs from the 3 and 7 year old and the cutest smiles from the 1 year old. They worked me over for the three weeks i was there, melting the ice around my heart until they had me wrapped around their little fingers that I was promising of entertaining them in London should they visit. Oh, they got me good.
I thought being back in London the ice around my heart would start to reform and harden but no. Instead I'm having dreams of my future children (Marcus and Celia) yes, that was their names in the dream, and it's seeping into my reality so now I'm thinking of getting a little rugrat of my own. A mini me with whom I can plot to take over the world. But children are for life, not just Christmas. That means they are a HUGH responsibility. Even with the German nanny. The friends of mine with toddlers tell me the stories of sleepless nights, concerns about teething, illnesses. And it doesn't get any easier as they get older. I see the neighbourhood kids and I think I don't want my son/daughter hanging around "those" kids. Cause you know when they reach teenage years, if they were anything like me there'll be doors slamming, moody spells of silence cause if you don't know what's wrong I'm not going to tell you, and finally spending alot of time in the room alone listening to heavy metal music or "researching" (the male readers know what I'm talking about). I don't know how my mother put up with me.
I should go give her a call. So to all you mums and dads out there I salute you. You're doing the toughest job with no pay, but you can't beat those hugs, kisses and laughter for perks.
Monday 27 June 2011
Prepare yourself...it's coming
Monday 28th June 2011. it was 31 degrees outside and I was stinking to high heaven. Geez!! Good thing my work colleagues where too polite to say anything or maybe they were just scared. I do give off that "don't mess with me vibe". LOL It's more bravado than any implied threat.
So I started this lotto/euro millions syndicate at the office and I am amazed at people's relationship with money. I've done it all legal with terms and conditions etc. and before signing your name their is a heading which specifically states in bold that the signing of this form is the confirmation of the signatory agreement to the terms and conditions overleaf. It boggles the mind how so few people actually read this T&C and how many say "I trust you". Really? They trust me? I hold the original signed contracts, and original tickets. I provide the players with copies of the tickets but that is it. When we win the jackpot and should I decide to run away with the winnings they have absolutely no evidence that they are in a syndicate, no evidence of who played, no evidence of if they are a regular player or not. Nothing. My lawyers will ask where is the evidence, what scrap of paper or agreement do they possess that proves they are in a syndicate and a regular player. So I've started sending emails to protect them from me. lol.
I'm also surprised with how little people prepare themselves for the eventuality that they will win a jackpot. I have already looked into diversifying into the four main asset classes, and securing independent financial advisers in preparation for the win. It is a true statistic that 70% of lottery winners spend if not all but most of their winnings in three years. This is why I believe in the five "Ps" Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. It is true you can't prepare for every single eventuality but where you can prepare you should. But it's not just about the lottery but about life in general. It is important that we prepare ourselves for both the good and the bad in life and in so doing rejoice in it's joys and soften the blow of the rough.
So I started this lotto/euro millions syndicate at the office and I am amazed at people's relationship with money. I've done it all legal with terms and conditions etc. and before signing your name their is a heading which specifically states in bold that the signing of this form is the confirmation of the signatory agreement to the terms and conditions overleaf. It boggles the mind how so few people actually read this T&C and how many say "I trust you". Really? They trust me? I hold the original signed contracts, and original tickets. I provide the players with copies of the tickets but that is it. When we win the jackpot and should I decide to run away with the winnings they have absolutely no evidence that they are in a syndicate, no evidence of who played, no evidence of if they are a regular player or not. Nothing. My lawyers will ask where is the evidence, what scrap of paper or agreement do they possess that proves they are in a syndicate and a regular player. So I've started sending emails to protect them from me. lol.
I'm also surprised with how little people prepare themselves for the eventuality that they will win a jackpot. I have already looked into diversifying into the four main asset classes, and securing independent financial advisers in preparation for the win. It is a true statistic that 70% of lottery winners spend if not all but most of their winnings in three years. This is why I believe in the five "Ps" Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. It is true you can't prepare for every single eventuality but where you can prepare you should. But it's not just about the lottery but about life in general. It is important that we prepare ourselves for both the good and the bad in life and in so doing rejoice in it's joys and soften the blow of the rough.
Wednesday 22 June 2011
You got to have a dream, if you dont have a dream, how you going to have a dream come true.
June 2011. Half the year, and time to reevaluate where I am in my life. Actually I am always reevaluating myself and where I am at this point in my life. That's the problem. My friends tell me I think too much and they are right. But being able to have independent thought is one of the abilities that I don't want to give it up. It's what I take pride in myself for and perhaps this pride is my downfall. It's hard for me to let go and just "let things happen". I always need to be in control. It's the freak in me. haha.
However it's not all bad. Being so cerebral allows me to some up with brilliant ideas and I'm forever having epiphanies. My latest was I am responsible for my own experiences of life. This statement means different things to different people, but for me it means that if I'm unsatisfied with my life then the only one who can change it is me. Stop, Pause and read that again. This is an important realisation for me because as I sit here partaking of a life that is not the life I really want, I realise that truly, I am the only one that can change it. These days I tend to make future plans with this way of thinking. That in itself has been a huge shift in my thought patterns where I am always looking back over my proverbial shoulder to see where I have come from, and questioning did I make the right decisions then. This would usually lead to me becoming despondent if I believed I had made the wrong choice that led me to where I am today. However now I realise (intellectually at least, if not quite on an emotional level as yet) that there was no right or wrong choice. There was just a choice. I'm not completely over that way of thinking but I tend to look forward more often.
However despite the best of intentions without action I'm still spinning top in mud. I know exactly what I'm suppose to do to enhance my experience of life but I'm still running scared. Running away, fearing success, fearing failure. FEAR! It dominates my thinking more than i would like to admit and it finds expression in a number of insidious and inventive ways, some of which might sound familiar to you as well. I start many projects and never complete them always walking out on them to do something else or find the flimsiest of excuses to get out of something I know I should be doing. So to counter this I have decided that I am going to be selective in my choice of activities and do one thing at a time to completion. So far it's been working I start with simple things like putting away my clothes and not just leaving it on the ground or some such. But it not easy I'm only human but I do see changes.
However it's not all bad. Being so cerebral allows me to some up with brilliant ideas and I'm forever having epiphanies. My latest was I am responsible for my own experiences of life. This statement means different things to different people, but for me it means that if I'm unsatisfied with my life then the only one who can change it is me. Stop, Pause and read that again. This is an important realisation for me because as I sit here partaking of a life that is not the life I really want, I realise that truly, I am the only one that can change it. These days I tend to make future plans with this way of thinking. That in itself has been a huge shift in my thought patterns where I am always looking back over my proverbial shoulder to see where I have come from, and questioning did I make the right decisions then. This would usually lead to me becoming despondent if I believed I had made the wrong choice that led me to where I am today. However now I realise (intellectually at least, if not quite on an emotional level as yet) that there was no right or wrong choice. There was just a choice. I'm not completely over that way of thinking but I tend to look forward more often.
However despite the best of intentions without action I'm still spinning top in mud. I know exactly what I'm suppose to do to enhance my experience of life but I'm still running scared. Running away, fearing success, fearing failure. FEAR! It dominates my thinking more than i would like to admit and it finds expression in a number of insidious and inventive ways, some of which might sound familiar to you as well. I start many projects and never complete them always walking out on them to do something else or find the flimsiest of excuses to get out of something I know I should be doing. So to counter this I have decided that I am going to be selective in my choice of activities and do one thing at a time to completion. So far it's been working I start with simple things like putting away my clothes and not just leaving it on the ground or some such. But it not easy I'm only human but I do see changes.
Friday 14 January 2011
Be Inspiried - It Gets Better
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| Image from The Parenting Magazine |
It made headline news in America but I never saw anything about it on the BBC. However The American author, journalist and newspaper editor Dan Savage created a website in response to these terrible events.
Savage who is openly gay created a website called It gets Better. It was created in response to the suicide of 15 year old Billy Lucas, who was bullied for his perceived sexual orientation.
This project encourages adults, both LGBT and otherwise, to submit videos assuring gay teenagers that life can improve after bullying in early life.
Bullying can be a terrible thing and it's victims can suffer serious psychological damage that can take years to undo. I myself have been bullied. The way I dealt with it may not be the healthiest but I survived. I simply retreated within myself, put my head down, and studied hard because I knew education would get me the hell away from those people. I knew my life was going in a different direction and I was determined to leave them all behind. I suppose it was one of the driving forces behind my leaving my country and why I would never go back unless kicking or screaming in a body bag. I know I am bitter, and I can admit it. It's also why my circle of friends is very small and why of all my friends, I only have one who is from my country, and that enough thank you very much. If I wanted to hang out with my fellow countrymen I would have stayed in the country (NB: I didn't say MY country. It was never my country and I was made to feel I didn't belong by everyone outside of my family)
Anyway I think I survived because I was arrogant and developed a thick skin and I told myself I would never give up because that would mean they won. And I would be damned if I let them win. So I had a look at Dan's website and I was very impressed. There are ordinary men and women in society of all ages and even a few celebrities and out gay British MP giving encouragement to young LGBT boys and girls who are having a tough time. Many of the testimonials are emotional because they bring back old memories and wounds. But it is also cathartic. As for me I can say that where I am in my life now and where I was then IT DOES GET BETTER! :-)
Support this project and post a video of yourself giving advice. After all the life your words can save may be closer than you think.
Get involved and check out these sites:
US Based and International audience:
- Dan Savage's http://www.itgetsbetter.org/
Visit http://www.bullying.co.uk/ The Anti- Bullying Charity - Help and advice for victims of bullying their parents and school
Visit http://www.outzone.org/ - to find out more about PACE LGBT youth group
- Outzone -a relaxed, weekly group for young men under 26 who identify as gay or bisexual or think they might be.
- Girl Diva - Girl Diva is a friendly & informal weekly group for lesbian, bisexual, queer, pansexual & questioning young women aged 25 and under.
- First Move - Coming along to First Move for LGBT under 18's is a great way to meet people and make friends in a safe and supportive place.
Phone: 0808 1807 223 (Mon 9:30am-12:30pm & Thurs evening 6:30pm-8:30pm)
Visit www.gmfa.org.uk/theguide/browse - to find out more about LGBT sporting clubs and social group
Visit http://www.llgs.org.uk/ - London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard (LLGS) provides an information, support and referral service for lesbians, gay men, bisexual, trans people and anyone who needs to consider issues around their sexuality. Helpline 0207 837 7324
To live life is not always to walk through a meadow
Making goals, like new years resolutions are easier said than done. I've been ,OK, at creating daily goals but not great and one thing that this exercise has led me to realise that there there are some goals that although they are written down and staring me in the face I will make all manner of excuses not to do them. The question I have to ask myself is, why? Why do I throw obstacles in my path towards achieving my goals? Why is it that although I know what I am doing and I know the right path I should be on I still turn aside and go down that dark alley. What self destructive tendencies are there that lurk within me and how do i get rid of it?
I think all of you will agreed that we all have our shadow/demon self. That side of our personality that leads up down the overgrown path instead of the yellow brick road. As much as we will like to get rid of it we can't. Our shadow selves are as important to us as our light selves. After all without the darkness how can we recognise the light. It's all about balance and finding the right balance so that we can live with the opposing sides of our psyche in peace. But I'm glad my shadow shows up so often because it makes me question my reality. I, like all of us, have an image in our mind of what we are like and what we're am suppose to be. My shadow self makes me realise that sometimes, or some occasions, I am full of bullcrap. I do have a very strong will and I am not easily swayed and because of this my will manifest itself in both positive and negative aspects of my personality. Should I try to be rid of my shadow self I could be doing more harm than good. Still I try. Sometimes it's good to lose. :-)
I think all of you will agreed that we all have our shadow/demon self. That side of our personality that leads up down the overgrown path instead of the yellow brick road. As much as we will like to get rid of it we can't. Our shadow selves are as important to us as our light selves. After all without the darkness how can we recognise the light. It's all about balance and finding the right balance so that we can live with the opposing sides of our psyche in peace. But I'm glad my shadow shows up so often because it makes me question my reality. I, like all of us, have an image in our mind of what we are like and what we're am suppose to be. My shadow self makes me realise that sometimes, or some occasions, I am full of bullcrap. I do have a very strong will and I am not easily swayed and because of this my will manifest itself in both positive and negative aspects of my personality. Should I try to be rid of my shadow self I could be doing more harm than good. Still I try. Sometimes it's good to lose. :-)
"Kill all my demons, and my angels might die too."
— Tennessee Williams
— Tennessee Williams
Monday 3 January 2011
This is the day I won the lottery
Today is my birthday. On this day I celebrate my birth. Lately I've been thinking about my birth. The fact that I exist and what it means. Being born is like winning the lottery. Only it's the greatest prize of them all, life. Think about it, as humans we start off as one of millions of spermatozoa that race towards a single egg. We complete against millions of other sperms racing wildly along a fallopian tube, no map, no sat navs, just an instinctive drive to be the first one to get to that egg. And we do. We get there and we are winners. We bore into the egg and we are conceived. Stop and think about that for a moment.
Before consciousness we have been able to instinctively go after what we want and achieve this and yet, somehow after all that enthusiasm, that without the right stimuli , once we are born, we seen to lose this drive. The problem, knowledge. To much knowledge is a dangerous thing. I so strongly agree. As we mature we learn about rights and wrongs, pain and pleasure, fear and courage. It is this knowledge that can help or hinder us throughout the rest of our lives. For most of us we travel along the path of least resistance never thoroughly realising our full potential. Little realising that it is the trials and tribulations that we bear in our lives that mould and shape us, like crucibles we are filled with potential but the fire of life burns hotly beneath us. For some the heat of the flames causes us to boil over, for others we melt and yet for others the heat challenges them so that the cream rises to the top.
I have always wanted to do something in the arts. Be a writer, a fine artist an interior designer. I had the talent but along the way it got corrupted. I was educated. I was taught the right way to paint, to hold a brush, to draw, to design, to think. Character arc, compositions, colour wheel, cubism, moderism, realism, high art, low art, on and on my education went until I had education coming out of my ears. Of course the inevitable happened with too much knowledge. I froze. I was paralyzed into inaction. Afraid to make a move least it not be the correct one, or "traditional" method, or meet with approval from the authorities on the subject. It is why I am now strongly against art education. I don't believe that art in whatever medium can or should be taught. It should evolve naturally in the artist hands and let new discoveries and new ways of doing emerge. Rules only serve to stagnate the mind. Now I am learning to unlearn the rules, learning not be concerned about what is right and what is wrong But instead trust in myself and just do it. I am reminded of a poem a friend recommended to me. I will reproduce it here and I hope it resonates within you as it did me for we are all in this together. For the non religious replace the word God with Potential. The message remains the same.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).
Before consciousness we have been able to instinctively go after what we want and achieve this and yet, somehow after all that enthusiasm, that without the right stimuli , once we are born, we seen to lose this drive. The problem, knowledge. To much knowledge is a dangerous thing. I so strongly agree. As we mature we learn about rights and wrongs, pain and pleasure, fear and courage. It is this knowledge that can help or hinder us throughout the rest of our lives. For most of us we travel along the path of least resistance never thoroughly realising our full potential. Little realising that it is the trials and tribulations that we bear in our lives that mould and shape us, like crucibles we are filled with potential but the fire of life burns hotly beneath us. For some the heat of the flames causes us to boil over, for others we melt and yet for others the heat challenges them so that the cream rises to the top.
I have always wanted to do something in the arts. Be a writer, a fine artist an interior designer. I had the talent but along the way it got corrupted. I was educated. I was taught the right way to paint, to hold a brush, to draw, to design, to think. Character arc, compositions, colour wheel, cubism, moderism, realism, high art, low art, on and on my education went until I had education coming out of my ears. Of course the inevitable happened with too much knowledge. I froze. I was paralyzed into inaction. Afraid to make a move least it not be the correct one, or "traditional" method, or meet with approval from the authorities on the subject. It is why I am now strongly against art education. I don't believe that art in whatever medium can or should be taught. It should evolve naturally in the artist hands and let new discoveries and new ways of doing emerge. Rules only serve to stagnate the mind. Now I am learning to unlearn the rules, learning not be concerned about what is right and what is wrong But instead trust in myself and just do it. I am reminded of a poem a friend recommended to me. I will reproduce it here and I hope it resonates within you as it did me for we are all in this together. For the non religious replace the word God with Potential. The message remains the same.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).
Daily Goal - If you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get.
Today I added an AdSense onto my account. Why? Why not? I decided for 2011 to stop questioning and doubting myself and my actions. I over think things too much so like I promised it is going to be a year of action. The only hiccup so far is I want the ads on the side and not beneath my posts. So I'm trying to figure that one out. You know as soon as I do.
There was a goal that I set for myself yesterday of applying for a job. This didn't happen. I'm not going to be down on myself for not achieving my goal instead I examined why I didn't do it. I looked at the jobs, I shortlisted what I wanted but when it came time to look at it more carefully to apply I saw they were asking for things I didn't have. Certain skills and experience, I questioned myself whether I should still apply but in the end I decided against it. Why? My logic was I didn't want to waste my time applying for a job I won't get, because we all know how time consuming job applications are these days. And I trust myself to know that if I approach this negatively I won't present myself in the most positive light. Another deeper reason which in the hash light of today I realise is my old friend fear. Fear of failure( I never like doing things unless there was a 99.9% chance that I will be successful), which is why I procrastinate so much my doing research, and weighting up the pros and cons. To overcome this fear I need to move outside of my head and into the world of action. Fear of making the wrong decision, so I make no decision( after all you can't be wrong if you sit on the fence can you. The problem with that is you also can't be right.). It is a perpetual limbo a false security that is killing me. But it is strange that knowing all of this does not mean that I will change my ways. I am too much of a thinker and not enough of a doer. Fear rules my life. There I've said it. Fear of the unknown and taking chances have curtail the me that I am. The me that I see inside and that is banging it's bloodly fist against a mental prison.
So I have two daily goals. The first and most formidable is to overcome the fear within me and the second is to channel that fear into a actionable goal. Stop thinking whether it's the right decision or not, just do it.
There was a goal that I set for myself yesterday of applying for a job. This didn't happen. I'm not going to be down on myself for not achieving my goal instead I examined why I didn't do it. I looked at the jobs, I shortlisted what I wanted but when it came time to look at it more carefully to apply I saw they were asking for things I didn't have. Certain skills and experience, I questioned myself whether I should still apply but in the end I decided against it. Why? My logic was I didn't want to waste my time applying for a job I won't get, because we all know how time consuming job applications are these days. And I trust myself to know that if I approach this negatively I won't present myself in the most positive light. Another deeper reason which in the hash light of today I realise is my old friend fear. Fear of failure( I never like doing things unless there was a 99.9% chance that I will be successful), which is why I procrastinate so much my doing research, and weighting up the pros and cons. To overcome this fear I need to move outside of my head and into the world of action. Fear of making the wrong decision, so I make no decision( after all you can't be wrong if you sit on the fence can you. The problem with that is you also can't be right.). It is a perpetual limbo a false security that is killing me. But it is strange that knowing all of this does not mean that I will change my ways. I am too much of a thinker and not enough of a doer. Fear rules my life. There I've said it. Fear of the unknown and taking chances have curtail the me that I am. The me that I see inside and that is banging it's bloodly fist against a mental prison.
So I have two daily goals. The first and most formidable is to overcome the fear within me and the second is to channel that fear into a actionable goal. Stop thinking whether it's the right decision or not, just do it.
Saturday 1 January 2011
2011 The Year of Action
Happy New Year 2011. The new year has opened pretty much like the old one( this is worrisome). I did some budget sheets, lazed around in bed, watched a few you tubes videos, read a few comic book, watched some television and generally bummed around the house. The new year is not something I celebrate or look forward to because it just reminds me that I am another year older and I am nowhere near achieving what I want to achieve with my life.
So this year I promised myself that I will be more action oriented than cranial oriented. I always think about what I am going to do. In fact you would be right to say I think things to a slow painful death. I know it's fear disguised as caution and reservation. So in 2011 I want to truly face my fear. No more thinking things through and worrying if I am doing the correct thing or not.
I have been thinking about this for sometime(I know, I know, sigh!!) and wondering why despite my best laid plans for success it still seems to elude me and the answer is right there in front of me. I never follow through my thoughts with actions. Sure, I make what I will admit are half hearted attempts but there is no real enthusiasm. There is always the fear that stops me from really "having a go" and just doing it.
So for 2011 I am going to be an international man of action No more thinking things through. The best way to start would be to set daily goals and accomplish them. That's 365 goals per year. I'm sure that if I were to to this at the end of the year I will see a mark change in my life. What do you think? Why don't you join me and write down 365 goals you will like to achieve on a daily basis and see if we can achieve them all.
So this year I promised myself that I will be more action oriented than cranial oriented. I always think about what I am going to do. In fact you would be right to say I think things to a slow painful death. I know it's fear disguised as caution and reservation. So in 2011 I want to truly face my fear. No more thinking things through and worrying if I am doing the correct thing or not.
I have been thinking about this for sometime(I know, I know, sigh!!) and wondering why despite my best laid plans for success it still seems to elude me and the answer is right there in front of me. I never follow through my thoughts with actions. Sure, I make what I will admit are half hearted attempts but there is no real enthusiasm. There is always the fear that stops me from really "having a go" and just doing it.
So for 2011 I am going to be an international man of action No more thinking things through. The best way to start would be to set daily goals and accomplish them. That's 365 goals per year. I'm sure that if I were to to this at the end of the year I will see a mark change in my life. What do you think? Why don't you join me and write down 365 goals you will like to achieve on a daily basis and see if we can achieve them all.
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