Opps,... I did it again.

Sometimes I am really hard on myself and when I'm in such a mood, I lock myself away from the world and like a wounded bear go in a dark corner and lick my wounds. Yesterday was one such day. It was a long day with no let up. Everyone was making demands of my time, and if it's one thing I don't like; it's people encroaching on my time.

Everyday for the past few months I've made a promise to myself that I will say in this job for two years before moving on to something else. My two years will be up at the end of this month and I still don't know what's that 'something else' which I intend to move onto. I am angry with myself that I seem stuck in my life. Unmoving(unwilling to move?) stuck in a quagmire of my own design and there lies the crux of the problem. Is my present position one of my own making or am I a puppet in a madman's hand. I am torn within myself having experienced a schism in my psyche whose dichotomy I am finding increasingly difficult to reunite.  Growing up I was led to believe that my life was been led and ordered by some unseen power. However after living in the UK for so many years and being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking this has resulted in my questioning my own worldview. I am an independent man unchained by family, history, society or religion. Adrift on the proverbial rough seas I desperately weave a seaweed and driftwood raft of a myriad of ideas that has been handed down to me by every person that I have met.
This divisions is my worldview is something I have wrestled and continue to wrestle with because of the implications. Believing that I am guided by some unseen order means I felt that I can coast through life and let whatever happens, happen to me. On the other hand if I am responsible for my experience of life then a belief in an unseen force is a crutch and weakness that had hindered my development to be all that I can be.

I take no prisoners. My personality is I am black or white No shades of grey. And yet knowing this is not enough. The mind wants to maintain the staus quo and will not tolerate change easily. Self sabotage is a wild king dancing a merry tune in my mind. Yesterday in a fit of rage and madness I sat down to start writing my resume in the hopes of moving on but before I knew it that little gremlin in the back of my mind starts to whisper and pour his poisonous words in my ear, 'Why? What are you doing? Where are you going? Don't jump from the pot into the fire? Stay where you are, it's a job and you are being paid.' All monster excuses that beat repeatedly upon the already cracked and fragile door of my mind, until my resistance splinters and crashes down so that before I knew it I had spent hours watching music videos on you tube. I love music. But it didn't help me. I was furious with myself. Once again I had become sidetracked but every failure meant that I would grow stronger. Until one day I will break this cycle.