It honour of the Halloween weekend this blog is about a horror movie I just watch called SAW4. Now let me preface this by saying that in no means am I a horror fan. In fact just the opposite. It the one genre of film I have avoided because I don't like all the blood, gore and crap. So how do I make it through SAW well with one eye closed, hiding behind the sofa, the volume muted for the screaming parts and if it's recorded, fast forward through the grisly parts. But even with all of that I generally enjoy the SAW movies. It's the lesson behind the test the villain sets. Though even as I say the word villain I don't think that adequately describes Jigsaw. I am more inclined to call him an anti-hero.
For those of you who follow the SAW movies you may agree that Jigsaw has never killed anyone. He has always set up scenarios where the "victims" are given choices and it is these choices that determine if they live or die. I think our anti-hero is like a crucible master. He turns up the heat until what emerges is a purer version of oneself. He understands the human psyche and he gives the protagonist so many chances to make the decision that would shake them out of their reverie and into a new birth from the death of their old selves. But few, if any I have seen have been able to make that transition. Jigsaw is a counsellor with unorthodox methods. He's no Freud. But he does pushes you to the edge and require you to face your ego/self in the mirror.
To some degree I think we all have a "Jigsaw" in our own lives. Everyday we are put through tests that we have to face and hopefully come out the other side a better person than when we started. However like the people in this movie more of us fail these tests than pass. Luckily when we fail we don't get out rib cage pulled out of us or torn limb from limb (though it would make life more interesting). Admittedly most of us know we have a problem, everyday we arrive home and the first thing we do is plop ourselves down in front of the computer or television set even though you know you have that coursework to finish. Test 1: You promise yourself this time when I get home I wont watch any television or Internet I will study for that exam. You get home you, get the books out. 5 mins later you get hungry. You decide to cook dinner. Then you notice the house is a mess and you kill a few hours cleaning it from chimney to doormat. Result: We realised what we did. We procrastinated. AGAIN.
You decide to quit smoking. Today is the first day and it's going well so far. Test 2: Everything that could go wrong goes wrong. The boss is yelling at you. You are running late for every meeting today and nothing is going right. Today was not the best day to quit smoking. Maybe tomorrow will be better, you think, as you suck the life out of white stick and watch the smoke curl into the air. Results: Failed.
The point is everyday we have these little test, temptations, whatever you wish to call it that tempt us away from what we are trying to become. Most of us, myself included, if we fail we are tempted to give up. Why bother, it's too hard, is my life going to really change, I'm happy. Our minds a chamber of excuses that will get us killed. Unfortunately in life the only constant is change. Whether we fight or accept this change will determine what path our lives will take. Will we end up broken, scared but alive or would we be the living dead?
Happy Halloween everyone!!
Saturday 30 October 2010
Wednesday 27 October 2010
Clack. Clack.
I woke up this morning like most weekday mornings thinking, CRAP!! Some days it's harder to stay focus on positivity than others. My job is a worthwhile, honourable job supporting people to help themselves but it's frustrating because there is are always obstacles in the form of mountainous paperwork, inept social workers, angry, ill informed clients, and ridiculous deadlines set by directors and managers far above reality that prove harder and harder to be met by the people who are actually on the front line. The one thing that this job has taught me is that I don't suffer fools gladly. Okay, admittedly I already knew that, It has led me to believe I'm a results oriented person. I like completeness in whatever I do, a beginning, a middle and an end. Unfortunately in this post things seem to be never ending. We provide ongoing support. So if a social worker has a client for two months we'll have them for minimum six months with equal volume of work. An image that aptly describes how I see is being in the middle on the ocean in a sinking dingy desperately trying to keep afloat by siphoning the water out with a leaky bucket. So where did it all go wrong? How did I get here so far from the dreams of childhood?
When I was a child, I had many dreams of becoming so much more than I am today. I remember as a young boy rushing home from school to turn on the television and watch Style with Elsa Klensch. It was my favourite program (in retrospect it should have been a warning sign). I would sit there, my young eyes glued to the television set and dream the dream that one day I would be designing beautiful clothes and creating magnificent interior designs. I even kept a book of my own fashion design drawings. And when I wasn't doing that I was thinking of new ways of creating new more colourful furnishing for the living room using discarded pieces of cloth that my mother had placed in an old cardboard box. But in a small island with even smaller minds, such grandiose dreams where never encouraged. It was dangerous to have dreams in a place where artistic dreams are destined to be still born. It was my first real introduction to disappointment. To know that my world of possibilities were limited. What use is colour and glitter in a world of black and white. Clack.
As I grew older my favourite subject at school was comprehension and composition. I loved writing stories. I love setting my imagination free. Flying dragons battling brave knights in armour, unicorns with rainbow coloured hair and bug eyed monsters as tall as buildings. But with the Common Entrance (CE) or as it was sometimes called the 11plus exams looming so close our teachers started to prepare us for this by drilling facts and figures into our mind. "Stop daydreaming and pay attention," they would shout as a blackboard duster when sailing pass the daydreamer's head. Time to put away childish things they told us in so many ways. The CE exams were an exam which every school child need to complete at 11+ years of age. Failure in these exams meant that your education was ended at 11 years of age. There was no time for play, writing stories of spacemen was never going to get get me A's or B's. Clack. Clack.
So here I am, so many years later in a land of opportunity. Certificates, diplomas and degrees lay yellowing and cracked at the bottom of a drawer as I doddle another comic book character. My artist self, hidden so long and denied the light struggles to breathe. It finds expression in a furtive painting, a doddle on a compliment slip, piles of half written stories on scraps of paper and ring notepads. Too afraid. Clack. No faith. Clack. Too old. Clack. No 'real' talent. Clack. The thoughts scurry across my mind like crabs and conspire to keep my true self hidden. The clack clack sound of their mental claws are loud in my head. Be reasonable. Clack. This is all you're ever going to be. Clack.
I know that as children we want to be everything. A fire fighting, space police, astronaut who's a ballet dancer cum interior designer on the weekends (or maybe that was just me).The point is, as we grow older we come to the inevitable realisation that we can't be everything. This realisation at first appears like the death of our dreams and we mourn those dreams. But if we are guided by positive role models and mentors wherever you find them we come to realise that from the death of one dream another can arise. Recognising our own strengths and weakness can be a God sent. Knowing in what area of your life you are weak can spur you on to improving it. If you want to be a scientist and you are weak in maths then you will work harder to get those maths grades up. If you want to be an artist but don't know the primary colours (red, yellow, blue) then you would learn the brush stroke techniques and colour chart. However there are times when we realise that n matter how much you study or hard you work it's not enough. That what we thought we wanted to do with our lives isn't what we want to do but what our parents want us to do. After all they only want the best for you. The last thing they want is for you to be a starving artist.
However a new path may open up, when we discover that what from what we see as a weakness, an unforeseen strength can emerge. OK, so the only good painting you can do is on your bedroom wall but you discover that you can paint pictures with words in a song or novel like no one else can. It is these strengths which we can harness and create a life for ourselves. For a lucky few people, they know what are their strengths and weakness, and are able to use them to their advantage. For the rest of us it's a daily struggle to find out what it's all about, find what you are good at and most importantly find what you enjoy doing. You can do most things but there will be something that you can do exceptionally well better than anyone.
For me I'm still on that journey. Hopefully this blog will help shine a light on the correct path I am to follow. So now every morning when I wake up and still think CRAP!! but I never leave it as that negative thought. Each day I am more determined to find my path to true happiness.
When I was a child, I had many dreams of becoming so much more than I am today. I remember as a young boy rushing home from school to turn on the television and watch Style with Elsa Klensch. It was my favourite program (in retrospect it should have been a warning sign). I would sit there, my young eyes glued to the television set and dream the dream that one day I would be designing beautiful clothes and creating magnificent interior designs. I even kept a book of my own fashion design drawings. And when I wasn't doing that I was thinking of new ways of creating new more colourful furnishing for the living room using discarded pieces of cloth that my mother had placed in an old cardboard box. But in a small island with even smaller minds, such grandiose dreams where never encouraged. It was dangerous to have dreams in a place where artistic dreams are destined to be still born. It was my first real introduction to disappointment. To know that my world of possibilities were limited. What use is colour and glitter in a world of black and white. Clack.
As I grew older my favourite subject at school was comprehension and composition. I loved writing stories. I love setting my imagination free. Flying dragons battling brave knights in armour, unicorns with rainbow coloured hair and bug eyed monsters as tall as buildings. But with the Common Entrance (CE) or as it was sometimes called the 11plus exams looming so close our teachers started to prepare us for this by drilling facts and figures into our mind. "Stop daydreaming and pay attention," they would shout as a blackboard duster when sailing pass the daydreamer's head. Time to put away childish things they told us in so many ways. The CE exams were an exam which every school child need to complete at 11+ years of age. Failure in these exams meant that your education was ended at 11 years of age. There was no time for play, writing stories of spacemen was never going to get get me A's or B's. Clack. Clack.
So here I am, so many years later in a land of opportunity. Certificates, diplomas and degrees lay yellowing and cracked at the bottom of a drawer as I doddle another comic book character. My artist self, hidden so long and denied the light struggles to breathe. It finds expression in a furtive painting, a doddle on a compliment slip, piles of half written stories on scraps of paper and ring notepads. Too afraid. Clack. No faith. Clack. Too old. Clack. No 'real' talent. Clack. The thoughts scurry across my mind like crabs and conspire to keep my true self hidden. The clack clack sound of their mental claws are loud in my head. Be reasonable. Clack. This is all you're ever going to be. Clack.
I know that as children we want to be everything. A fire fighting, space police, astronaut who's a ballet dancer cum interior designer on the weekends (or maybe that was just me).The point is, as we grow older we come to the inevitable realisation that we can't be everything. This realisation at first appears like the death of our dreams and we mourn those dreams. But if we are guided by positive role models and mentors wherever you find them we come to realise that from the death of one dream another can arise. Recognising our own strengths and weakness can be a God sent. Knowing in what area of your life you are weak can spur you on to improving it. If you want to be a scientist and you are weak in maths then you will work harder to get those maths grades up. If you want to be an artist but don't know the primary colours (red, yellow, blue) then you would learn the brush stroke techniques and colour chart. However there are times when we realise that n matter how much you study or hard you work it's not enough. That what we thought we wanted to do with our lives isn't what we want to do but what our parents want us to do. After all they only want the best for you. The last thing they want is for you to be a starving artist.
However a new path may open up, when we discover that what from what we see as a weakness, an unforeseen strength can emerge. OK, so the only good painting you can do is on your bedroom wall but you discover that you can paint pictures with words in a song or novel like no one else can. It is these strengths which we can harness and create a life for ourselves. For a lucky few people, they know what are their strengths and weakness, and are able to use them to their advantage. For the rest of us it's a daily struggle to find out what it's all about, find what you are good at and most importantly find what you enjoy doing. You can do most things but there will be something that you can do exceptionally well better than anyone.
For me I'm still on that journey. Hopefully this blog will help shine a light on the correct path I am to follow. So now every morning when I wake up and still think CRAP!! but I never leave it as that negative thought. Each day I am more determined to find my path to true happiness.
Sunday 24 October 2010
The Pursuit of Happyness
I just finished watching the movie The Pursuit of Happyness staring Will Smith, Thandie Newton and Jaden Smith. Sure the movie is four years old, but I was in two minds about viewing it at the time it came out in the theatres. Like I said I procrastinate. I've watch Will Smith when he first started out in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and seen his early dramatic work in Six Degrees of Separation. There's no doubt that he is a good comedic actor but is he a good actor? Yes he is. He's not a great actor, yet, but the talent is there. I'll like to see him in more dramatic roles though.
The pursuit of happiness is something that we are all engaged in. You, me, all of us. We are all in the search for that which gives our lives meaning and joy whether that be a family, a satisfying job, spiritual growth, money in the bank or a roof over our head. But that's the wonderful thing. What makes you happy may not be what makes me happy but in the end despite our differences we are united in the pursuit of this happiness however it is defined. There was an interesting point that was raised in the movie about success equaling happiness. It also begs the question what is success? How do we define success and would you recognise it if you had it. There is a myth perpetuated by our Western society. Our parents, teachers and community leaders are all in cahoots with the myth and victims of the myth.The story goes that you go to school, get an education and get a good job and you will be successful and thus happy in life. I think many of us out there would agree that this is not a reality we live with in our day to day lives. There are a lot of university degree holders holding jobs that don't require a degree and hence according to the tenements of our society are failures so cannot be happy. Just as there are a lot of people who don't have a high school or college education and therefore according to the rules should not be successful, and yet they are and happy. So what is going on?
Success (however you choose to define it) and happiness are not mutually exclusive terms but are two sides of the same corrupted coin. However that coin cannot be flipped without the hard work of your hands and where it lands depends of the wind of luck. It's said that success is 90% hard work and 10% luck. There is an element of truth in that. You cannot expect to achieve your goals if you are not willing to put in the research, follow it up by hard work and if you plan things just right, maybe, just maybe, you'll have a little bit of Lady Luck. However you think of success, you will need to plan for it. One of my favourite quotes from a friend of mine is Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. You can't have success if you don't know what it is and plan for it. You want to get married stop living like a singleton, create room in your life for another person. You want a child look start examining the various options, single parent, IVF, surrogacy or adoptions . Don't just wish your life away. People who wish their lives away end up with nothing but dreams, and we all know dreams are like mist. If you want to do something do it. As the character Will Smith said to his son, never let anyone tell you you cant do something, not even me. You want something go out there and get it, period.
I don't want anyone to leave here with the idea that this will be easy. If you compare yourself with other people and their present success to your lack of success you will always think they had it easy and lots of luck. But you'll only know half the story. You'll never truly know what other people have had to go though to achieve what little they have in their lives. I once heard this story told of a father who lived at the bottom of a mountain with his four sons. One year he asked his four sons to climb to the top of the mountain. At the top of this mountain was a large tree. "Tell me what you see," he said. The first son climbed up to the tree in winter and reported back to his father that he saw a cold dead tree with no leaves, the second son climbed in spring and reported a green tree covered in water droplets, flowing sap, the third son reported a sunny day with a tree open wide to the sky to provide shade, and abundant fruit and the fourth son reported a chilly day with a tree full of yellow, orange and red leaves on the tree and ground. The fours sons began to argue, each calling the other a liar, each swearing what the tree actually looked like. The father put a stop to the disagreement and said that they were all right. He explained that each son saw the same tree in a different season. "That tree," he said "was like a person. When we see someone and judge them we are judging them in one season of their life not their whole life. And unless you stay with that person their entire life you could never truly know the whole person."
In the end I thought the movie was a bit long, though the message was worth the wait. But that parallels life doesn't it. When we are in the middle of all the craziness that's happening around us we think it's long and will never end. This movie reminds me that it is not the end but the journey that counts. It's when things look the darkness that I've got to remember to shine that light, keep believing in myself and never give up the pursuit of happiness.
P.S. How many people saw the cameo by the real Chris Garner at the end of the movie?
The pursuit of happiness is something that we are all engaged in. You, me, all of us. We are all in the search for that which gives our lives meaning and joy whether that be a family, a satisfying job, spiritual growth, money in the bank or a roof over our head. But that's the wonderful thing. What makes you happy may not be what makes me happy but in the end despite our differences we are united in the pursuit of this happiness however it is defined. There was an interesting point that was raised in the movie about success equaling happiness. It also begs the question what is success? How do we define success and would you recognise it if you had it. There is a myth perpetuated by our Western society. Our parents, teachers and community leaders are all in cahoots with the myth and victims of the myth.The story goes that you go to school, get an education and get a good job and you will be successful and thus happy in life. I think many of us out there would agree that this is not a reality we live with in our day to day lives. There are a lot of university degree holders holding jobs that don't require a degree and hence according to the tenements of our society are failures so cannot be happy. Just as there are a lot of people who don't have a high school or college education and therefore according to the rules should not be successful, and yet they are and happy. So what is going on?
Success (however you choose to define it) and happiness are not mutually exclusive terms but are two sides of the same corrupted coin. However that coin cannot be flipped without the hard work of your hands and where it lands depends of the wind of luck. It's said that success is 90% hard work and 10% luck. There is an element of truth in that. You cannot expect to achieve your goals if you are not willing to put in the research, follow it up by hard work and if you plan things just right, maybe, just maybe, you'll have a little bit of Lady Luck. However you think of success, you will need to plan for it. One of my favourite quotes from a friend of mine is Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. You can't have success if you don't know what it is and plan for it. You want to get married stop living like a singleton, create room in your life for another person. You want a child look start examining the various options, single parent, IVF, surrogacy or adoptions . Don't just wish your life away. People who wish their lives away end up with nothing but dreams, and we all know dreams are like mist. If you want to do something do it. As the character Will Smith said to his son, never let anyone tell you you cant do something, not even me. You want something go out there and get it, period.
I don't want anyone to leave here with the idea that this will be easy. If you compare yourself with other people and their present success to your lack of success you will always think they had it easy and lots of luck. But you'll only know half the story. You'll never truly know what other people have had to go though to achieve what little they have in their lives. I once heard this story told of a father who lived at the bottom of a mountain with his four sons. One year he asked his four sons to climb to the top of the mountain. At the top of this mountain was a large tree. "Tell me what you see," he said. The first son climbed up to the tree in winter and reported back to his father that he saw a cold dead tree with no leaves, the second son climbed in spring and reported a green tree covered in water droplets, flowing sap, the third son reported a sunny day with a tree open wide to the sky to provide shade, and abundant fruit and the fourth son reported a chilly day with a tree full of yellow, orange and red leaves on the tree and ground. The fours sons began to argue, each calling the other a liar, each swearing what the tree actually looked like. The father put a stop to the disagreement and said that they were all right. He explained that each son saw the same tree in a different season. "That tree," he said "was like a person. When we see someone and judge them we are judging them in one season of their life not their whole life. And unless you stay with that person their entire life you could never truly know the whole person."
In the end I thought the movie was a bit long, though the message was worth the wait. But that parallels life doesn't it. When we are in the middle of all the craziness that's happening around us we think it's long and will never end. This movie reminds me that it is not the end but the journey that counts. It's when things look the darkness that I've got to remember to shine that light, keep believing in myself and never give up the pursuit of happiness.
P.S. How many people saw the cameo by the real Chris Garner at the end of the movie?
The Spider in my Mind 2
So I had a choice take a long hard look at myself or bury my head in the sand and continue as I've always been. Knowing me back then the choice really wasn't that hard. I dumped my second friend. Hey if you'd known me then, you would have known I took no prisoners. I would have made a great supervillian (they have sooo much more fun). No monologuing, just right between the eyes, nice and clean. Sigh, But I digress. There were now two sticking loads in the garbage and the smell was becoming overwhelming. Maybe they are right. Maybe I have been a Misery Gus all my life and then it hit me. I realised why the lawn of my mind was so lush and green. It was because for years I've been using great fertilizer. Pure grade bullshit. That's right, masking my fear behind a "superiority complex" (though my favourite response to this was "It's not a complex, I am superior." but i digress. LOL ) was pure Grade A bullshit. If the lawn in my mind was real I could have planted crops and fed the world, trice over. It was that lush.
So thus begun my journey towards taking a long hard look at myself. And the truth is no matter what I may have thought in the past, I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm only human, with all the flaws, fears, phobias that we all as humans share. There is a saying ask and you shall receive. From the moment I began to start questioning myself people and events around started to change to help me. I started meeting people who encouraged me to really start looking at my reactions to things, I came across self help books in libraries for me to read, movies with a similar theme of positivity came flooding into my life. Synchronicity, it was all around me and when it rains it pours. I felt as if I was getting hit over the head repeatedly. It was overwhelming and I grew scared and shut down.
You see it's hard after years of blaming other people for your problems to suddenly realise that the mess that is your life is your own doing and responsibility. To take responsibility for the reason you are not doing what you want to do with your life and realise that it's your own fault and no one else's is a monumental epiphany. Sure the excuses surface like dead fish in a poisoned river, "But it's not my fault I haven't been promoted, my boss doesn't like be because I'm Black, Female, Jewish, Irish, Gay, Jedi." Well honey look around you, there are a lot of Black, Female, Jewish, Irish, Gay, Jedi people out there who are making it in their fields. "Well surely, it's my grandparents, parents, teachers, friends, community leaders, my boss, THE MAN's fault that I'm not everything i dreamed of being." Actually No. It isn't. All of theses people may have shaped the man/woman you are today but it is you who determine the man/woman you will be tomorrow. So where does the blame stop and personal responsibility begin? When do I stop blaming others for my problems and start doing something about them? The only difference between you and me and the people we admire is that no matter how many times they fall they pick themselves back up again.
So each and everyday I pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. I realise now that the choices I made that led me to where I am today were not right or wrong choices, but choices I made based on the knowledge I had at the time. Now that I am older and hopefully wiser I can look back at those choices without regret but with a sense that I did the best that i knew how to do at that time. I know that each choice comes from a previous choice made, and every time I make a choice it shouldn't be about is it the right choice or not. It should be about the choice itself and learning not to blame myself but to accept the responsibility for the consequences of that choice.
The question that remains is what's next. Where do I go from here? I pick up my self help books, I listen to people's advice, I watch positive message television and I know that no matter what, it's all down to me. Just because I surround myself with positivity doesn't mean my life would automatically change. The law of attraction doesn't work that way. My ideas must be followed by action. My dream plus action equals goals. My goals plus action equals a new reality. Everyone knows that the hardest part of change is beginning. And let me tell you I can procrastinate for England. But once I commit myself to that change things just fall into place and when they go wrong, like the spider whose web is crushed, I just pick myself back up and try again. So though this blog may occasionally wander into areas that, on the surface, may not necessarily have anything to do with positive change it is all part of the process of becoming. Each post is a silken thread towards creating a fine home.
So though I still don't like spiders, I do admire the industrious buggers, No matter how many times you knock their webs down they rebuild, never giving up. The little engine that could got nothing on my eight legged friends.
"...Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the spout again."
So thus begun my journey towards taking a long hard look at myself. And the truth is no matter what I may have thought in the past, I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm only human, with all the flaws, fears, phobias that we all as humans share. There is a saying ask and you shall receive. From the moment I began to start questioning myself people and events around started to change to help me. I started meeting people who encouraged me to really start looking at my reactions to things, I came across self help books in libraries for me to read, movies with a similar theme of positivity came flooding into my life. Synchronicity, it was all around me and when it rains it pours. I felt as if I was getting hit over the head repeatedly. It was overwhelming and I grew scared and shut down.
You see it's hard after years of blaming other people for your problems to suddenly realise that the mess that is your life is your own doing and responsibility. To take responsibility for the reason you are not doing what you want to do with your life and realise that it's your own fault and no one else's is a monumental epiphany. Sure the excuses surface like dead fish in a poisoned river, "But it's not my fault I haven't been promoted, my boss doesn't like be because I'm Black, Female, Jewish, Irish, Gay, Jedi." Well honey look around you, there are a lot of Black, Female, Jewish, Irish, Gay, Jedi people out there who are making it in their fields. "Well surely, it's my grandparents, parents, teachers, friends, community leaders, my boss, THE MAN's fault that I'm not everything i dreamed of being." Actually No. It isn't. All of theses people may have shaped the man/woman you are today but it is you who determine the man/woman you will be tomorrow. So where does the blame stop and personal responsibility begin? When do I stop blaming others for my problems and start doing something about them? The only difference between you and me and the people we admire is that no matter how many times they fall they pick themselves back up again.
So each and everyday I pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. I realise now that the choices I made that led me to where I am today were not right or wrong choices, but choices I made based on the knowledge I had at the time. Now that I am older and hopefully wiser I can look back at those choices without regret but with a sense that I did the best that i knew how to do at that time. I know that each choice comes from a previous choice made, and every time I make a choice it shouldn't be about is it the right choice or not. It should be about the choice itself and learning not to blame myself but to accept the responsibility for the consequences of that choice.
The question that remains is what's next. Where do I go from here? I pick up my self help books, I listen to people's advice, I watch positive message television and I know that no matter what, it's all down to me. Just because I surround myself with positivity doesn't mean my life would automatically change. The law of attraction doesn't work that way. My ideas must be followed by action. My dream plus action equals goals. My goals plus action equals a new reality. Everyone knows that the hardest part of change is beginning. And let me tell you I can procrastinate for England. But once I commit myself to that change things just fall into place and when they go wrong, like the spider whose web is crushed, I just pick myself back up and try again. So though this blog may occasionally wander into areas that, on the surface, may not necessarily have anything to do with positive change it is all part of the process of becoming. Each post is a silken thread towards creating a fine home.
So though I still don't like spiders, I do admire the industrious buggers, No matter how many times you knock their webs down they rebuild, never giving up. The little engine that could got nothing on my eight legged friends.
"...Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the spout again."
Thursday 21 October 2010
The Spider in my Mind 1
Well the trouble began, as it always does, with something small. At least this time it wasn't a spider. No, for me it was an idea. My friends always tell me I think to much. Maybe they're right. But what do they know, right? Just because you know a guy for a couple years doesn't mean you know him. Right?
This blog started with a simple idea. To chronicle positive change in my life. Simple enough. Or so I thought. Somewhere along the lines the goalpost shifted.
To understand I have to take you back a few years. Imagine it. I'm a teenager, sheltered lifestyle, socially awkward and snotty, academically brilliant but shy (translation: Nerd. Second translation: Virgin) I'm lying on the floor having a conversation with one of my few friends who isn't imaginary and he turns to me and says out of the blue like a silent assassin, "You know, you're a very negative person". You could have heard a pin drop and bear in mind the floors were carpeted. "I'm sorry," I said trying to keep my voice under control through gritted teeth. Personally I had never viewed myself as being a negative minded person. A realist yes, but never negative. "You're very negative," he repeated with what I though at the time was some gall. In my mind I was fighting with myself. Growing up as an only child, I was not the kind of teenage boy who was accustomed to being challenged. My word was law. I could see I was going to have to put this little upstart in his place. But yet, at the same time, my arrogance would not allow me to become one of "those people". You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that dismiss anything that challenges their world view despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary of how wrong they are. So I did something very difficult, I listened instead of fringed interest.
I think that was the day my life changed. I began to gate watch my thoughts and actions and I realised that although I didn't fully agree with my now estranged friend, he may have been right. He had planted a seed in my mind. A contaminant to my manicured and ordered life. It was like watching your neighbour's dog take a dump on the astro turf of my mind. Well, I had no intentions of letting that pile lie. I picked it up and sealed that idea in a garbage bin of fear, denial and pride. However the thing about these ideas that out of sight doesnt necesary mean out of mind and as the years pass I would occassionally get a whip of that turd. It wasn't until years later that another friend told me the same very thing. Another dog was taking a dump on my mind. I had two choices, change my thinking or get new friends. ...to be continued
"The itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the water spout
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out..."
Sunday 17 October 2010
Black History Month - Why should I care?
It's October, Black history month in England. Do I care? Is this still relevant? Growing up as part of "The Americas" and receiving a rash of American television, Black history month is presented as a big deal (for African Americans at least). Of course not being an African American I don't really know if I am seeing this through television eyes where everything looks bigger than it is in reality. Tom Cruise, anyone?
Over in London, I don't hear a peep about it. I only knew it was Black History Month because I came across a newsletter. So my question to myself why do I not know about this month? I've not a few theories. The first is I, as an individual, I'm not part of the black British community. I'm more on the periphery by the fact that we sharing the same colour skin and geographical location. However that's where the similarities ends. I do not share the same world view. I never grew up in a world where I was a colour minority. This and my life experiences have shaped my psyche, aspirations and obstacles. I knew my own history, I had great teachers who made me question the world around me and never just accept things on face value. So if someone said "Black people are...." I never took their word for it and but did the research myself. By the way anyone who starts statements generalising people on race, religion, nationality, sexuality, whatever, is really not someone you should be taking advice from. So Black History month, that's a joke right? I didn't need any such thing. I am living it everyday. My very presence on the island was a testament to black history. No one needed to rehash old wounds. Certainly not me.
But things change. As an immigrant to any society you are immediately the other. Whether through language, religion, values, skin colour. Moving from a society where you are in the majority to one where you are a minority gives much needed perspective. Suddenly it all made sense.
Years ago I was a teaching assistant in a school and for Black History Month the kids were doing projects on black role models. There was no real interest in the project by the teachers it being a tick box exercise and the examples there were giving were the usual regurgitated people Sojourner Truth, Rosa Parks, Martin Luthor King, Madame CJ Walker, Malcolm X, and George Washington Carver. All Americans, all important, all dead. Oh sure they added in a sprinkle of celebrities from the black trinity of Sports, Music and Entertainment like, Colin Jackson, PDiddy, Naomi Campbell, and Oprah Winfrey, no one that you would really have to hurt your brain to suggest. The kids weren't encouraged to go beyond the surface and find out about people like Lonnie Johnson, David Lammy, Ozwald Boateng, Angie Lemar.
Kids need role models. Someone to emulate and look up to. And if the images that we see, the articles we read, and the words that we speak are all negative then what do you expect but a negative outlook on life. If by your words, actions and body language you scream "I know you and this is all you can achieve, so don't bother to try" then something is seriously wrong. For the politically correct/liberal tree huggers out there who preach the colour of a person's skin should not affect who they choose as they role models take a step back and look at yourself. I'm betting you were never a visual minority in your society. I'm betting you never had to walk down a street and see people clutch their purses or check for their wallets as you approach. Never had people approach you with the assumption that they know everything about you based on what they saw on television last night. Never had the most powerful, influencing tool of the 20th Century subtly and not so subtly tell you that you can only go this far and no further. "But I have loads of black friends and we get along great, I'm not racist" I hear you say. Really? Then why do you always think of them as your black friends and never just your friends. Why do I feel like a fashion accessory for you to parade and prove your open minded credentials to other liberal tree huggers. By the way what was that hesitation in your voice, and wide eyed stare when i asked to marry your daughter, friend.
So yeah though I may not feel as passionate about Black History Month as some of you, I do care. How else can we know where we are going if we don't know where we have come from?
Over in London, I don't hear a peep about it. I only knew it was Black History Month because I came across a newsletter. So my question to myself why do I not know about this month? I've not a few theories. The first is I, as an individual, I'm not part of the black British community. I'm more on the periphery by the fact that we sharing the same colour skin and geographical location. However that's where the similarities ends. I do not share the same world view. I never grew up in a world where I was a colour minority. This and my life experiences have shaped my psyche, aspirations and obstacles. I knew my own history, I had great teachers who made me question the world around me and never just accept things on face value. So if someone said "Black people are...." I never took their word for it and but did the research myself. By the way anyone who starts statements generalising people on race, religion, nationality, sexuality, whatever, is really not someone you should be taking advice from. So Black History month, that's a joke right? I didn't need any such thing. I am living it everyday. My very presence on the island was a testament to black history. No one needed to rehash old wounds. Certainly not me.
But things change. As an immigrant to any society you are immediately the other. Whether through language, religion, values, skin colour. Moving from a society where you are in the majority to one where you are a minority gives much needed perspective. Suddenly it all made sense.
Years ago I was a teaching assistant in a school and for Black History Month the kids were doing projects on black role models. There was no real interest in the project by the teachers it being a tick box exercise and the examples there were giving were the usual regurgitated people Sojourner Truth, Rosa Parks, Martin Luthor King, Madame CJ Walker, Malcolm X, and George Washington Carver. All Americans, all important, all dead. Oh sure they added in a sprinkle of celebrities from the black trinity of Sports, Music and Entertainment like, Colin Jackson, PDiddy, Naomi Campbell, and Oprah Winfrey, no one that you would really have to hurt your brain to suggest. The kids weren't encouraged to go beyond the surface and find out about people like Lonnie Johnson, David Lammy, Ozwald Boateng, Angie Lemar.
Kids need role models. Someone to emulate and look up to. And if the images that we see, the articles we read, and the words that we speak are all negative then what do you expect but a negative outlook on life. If by your words, actions and body language you scream "I know you and this is all you can achieve, so don't bother to try" then something is seriously wrong. For the politically correct/liberal tree huggers out there who preach the colour of a person's skin should not affect who they choose as they role models take a step back and look at yourself. I'm betting you were never a visual minority in your society. I'm betting you never had to walk down a street and see people clutch their purses or check for their wallets as you approach. Never had people approach you with the assumption that they know everything about you based on what they saw on television last night. Never had the most powerful, influencing tool of the 20th Century subtly and not so subtly tell you that you can only go this far and no further. "But I have loads of black friends and we get along great, I'm not racist" I hear you say. Really? Then why do you always think of them as your black friends and never just your friends. Why do I feel like a fashion accessory for you to parade and prove your open minded credentials to other liberal tree huggers. By the way what was that hesitation in your voice, and wide eyed stare when i asked to marry your daughter, friend.
So yeah though I may not feel as passionate about Black History Month as some of you, I do care. How else can we know where we are going if we don't know where we have come from?
Monday 11 October 2010
My authentic Self
OK, so it's been awhile and a lot has happen. Noooo I didn't win the £113 euro millions. But what if I did? Did you really think i would tell you? Really? Come on...(wink)Anyway that brings me onto tonight's musings on the topic of honesty.What does it mean to be honest? We all have an idea what it means...don't tell lies and speak the truth. But it's all external isn't it? What about self honesty. Being honest with oneself. How many time have you heard someone say "you can lie to me but be honest with yourself." More times than you can count? Or is that just me?
But I digress...on a more serious note, I believe the eyes are the windows to the soul and they can reveal so much about a person. Which is probably why I don't like looking directly at someones eyes. I can instantly tell when they are being dishonesty and sometime, frankly I just don't want to know. Lie to me. Tell me I'm beautiful, tell me I'm not just another notch on your bedpost. Make me believe. If I close my eyes maybe I'll believe you.
There are times when I cant even look at my own eyes in the mirror. To look at those windows and see the shrewd single mindedness of my logical mind, like a dangerous flash of a knife in the dark. To see the metal heart and the predator's eyes that goes after what it wants without hesitation or mercy. To see the failed dreams like dead leaves on a cracked desert floor....and after all that, what is left ,but a frightened boy. My authentic self.
Monday 4 October 2010
Crab Mentality
Yesterday I spent all day in bed. There was no reason other than I could. I'm currently reading Terry Pratchett's Unseen Academicals and came across a term which I have heard my entire life so was pleasantly surprise to see Terry writing about this term. It's called crab mentality, or as we say at home crabs in the bucket syndrome. In all my conversations, the use of this term is never a good. It is usually used to refer to a group of people who are in an impoverished circumstance and will do what they can out of spite, fear, or ignorance to prevent a member of their own community from advancing and get out of the bucket. Basically "If I cant have it, why should you." What i found very interesting with his book is the concept that the crabs could be in your own mind. I've always looked at it as an external conflict and never saw the crabs in my own mind that were keeping me from achieving things in my life. The very act of laying in bed all day was a crab. I told myself i had the right to despite knowing there were things to be done houshold chores and otherwise. The belief that I will be foolish to apply for one of those "high flying jobs" because I "dont fit the look" or "be happy where you are, you might not get something as good" is itself another crab.
So I've decided to become a crab catcher and guard my mind against the invasion of the crabs both external and internal least I give up on my hopes, dreams and goals to make it out of the bucket and end up pulled to the bottom.
Friday 1 October 2010
Dont stand still...
I can't believe it. It's been a decade since I have been in London. So much has happened in that time both negative and positive but I will say that in the last few years things have been increasingly positive and I have grown up alot. New homes, New jobs, New attitude. :-) So how am I going to celebrate. I will probably buy lots of candy. I have sooo got a sweet tooth.
Workwise it continues to be a mountaious avalanche of work. Something is going to give. I can feel it in my waters. lol. However the best way to conquer a mountain is by putting one foot in from in from of the other (well that or getting a plane and fly over the bloody thing).
Workwise it continues to be a mountaious avalanche of work. Something is going to give. I can feel it in my waters. lol. However the best way to conquer a mountain is by putting one foot in from in from of the other (well that or getting a plane and fly over the bloody thing).
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