Thursday 21 July 2011

Opps,... I did it again.

Sometimes I am really hard on myself and when I'm in such a mood, I lock myself away from the world and like a wounded bear go in a dark corner and lick my wounds. Yesterday was one such day. It was a long day with no let up. Everyone was making demands of my time, and if it's one thing I don't like; it's people encroaching on my time.

Everyday for the past few months I've made a promise to myself that I will say in this job for two years before moving on to something else. My two years will be up at the end of this month and I still don't know what's that 'something else' which I intend to move onto. I am angry with myself that I seem stuck in my life. Unmoving(unwilling to move?) stuck in a quagmire of my own design and there lies the crux of the problem. Is my present position one of my own making or am I a puppet in a madman's hand. I am torn within myself having experienced a schism in my psyche whose dichotomy I am finding increasingly difficult to reunite.  Growing up I was led to believe that my life was been led and ordered by some unseen power. However after living in the UK for so many years and being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking this has resulted in my questioning my own worldview. I am an independent man unchained by family, history, society or religion. Adrift on the proverbial rough seas I desperately weave a seaweed and driftwood raft of a myriad of ideas that has been handed down to me by every person that I have met.
This divisions is my worldview is something I have wrestled and continue to wrestle with because of the implications. Believing that I am guided by some unseen order means I felt that I can coast through life and let whatever happens, happen to me. On the other hand if I am responsible for my experience of life then a belief in an unseen force is a crutch and weakness that had hindered my development to be all that I can be.

I take no prisoners. My personality is I am black or white No shades of grey. And yet knowing this is not enough. The mind wants to maintain the staus quo and will not tolerate change easily. Self sabotage is a wild king dancing a merry tune in my mind. Yesterday in a fit of rage and madness I sat down to start writing my resume in the hopes of moving on but before I knew it that little gremlin in the back of my mind starts to whisper and pour his poisonous words in my ear, 'Why? What are you doing? Where are you going? Don't jump from the pot into the fire? Stay where you are, it's a job and you are being paid.' All monster excuses that beat repeatedly upon the already cracked and fragile door of my mind, until my resistance splinters and crashes down so that before I knew it I had spent hours watching music videos on you tube. I love music. But it didn't help me. I was furious with myself. Once again I had become sidetracked but every failure meant that I would grow stronger. Until one day I will break this cycle.

Monday 4 July 2011

It's Playtime

WAKE UP PEOPLE, WE'VE BEEN SCAMMED!! HOODWINKED, AND BAMBOOZLED.
Being an adult is not all they said it was going to be.

Earlier this evening I was sitting on my gallery and looking down on some kids playing hide and seek on the estate and thinking to myself. 'Geez, I haven't played in forever,'  I mean really played. That abandon of screaming in the wind as you play tag with your friends, the genuine excitement of running, jumping , exploring, curiosity, fearlessness, having a bundle of emotion that explode out of you every second that you don't waste time analysing it you just live it. I miss that. Sometimes being an adult really blows. 

They tell you that when you become an adult you can do what you want, stay up as late as you want, and have ice cream for breakfast if you want, and we believe them. So in the back of our minds whenever you have an argument with our parents  and they ground you we think "as soon as I'm 18, I'm out of here." You want to live the dream. But you know what, yeah you can have that ice cream for breakfast and watch all the late night television you want, what they don't tell you is as an adult if you live "the dream"you end up 300 pounds overweight, barely able to breathe, and eventually carried out into the flashing lights of the Press on a forklift like some bloated, beached whale. Being an adult they never mention that you get all serious and forget about real, soul nourishing, fun. Now fun is found at the bottom of a bottle on a Friday night as we dance our youth away in a haze of strobe lights and earsplitting music.

I want to run barefoot in the grass with my dog laughing with genuine joy, I want to shower in the rain I want to feel the world is full of possibilities again, I want to learn to play again.