Ugly Models

So today I took a step out of my comfort zone. I went for an audition for a character modelling agency  Ugly Models. I figured it'll be good to try something 180 from the norm and if something comes out of it then great, but if not I haven't quit my day job. 

I thought I'll play it cool but the truth was I was so nervous. There were people there of all shapes and sizes and boy there were some characters that'll make you think WOW.  It was then I began to think what are my qualities and will I make the grade. Anyone that knows me know that I'm a sort of everyman, an average joe you might say. What make me unique to stand out amongst theses guys?  But then I thought that being average is not a bad thing to be, after all you need the average Joes. We can't all be special characters because if we all are special then no one is (I know, movie reference). So I waited and eventually my turn came. This was my time to shine and show them who I am. I was placed in front the camera and the guy said talk about yourself. I opened my mouth and talked about my job. I know, I know. In my defence I was nervous but geez. The job is something I do it isn't me. I least I hope so. I was kicking myself for that. I think the camera man realised because he asked if I had ever auditioned before, LOL.  It also didn't help that I was immediately up after the knife juggling trans-person. I mean come on, how was I going to top that? :-) After that performance I looked like wallpaper drying.  

Hey you know I got to laugh at myself because I gave it a shot and who knows what may happen out of this my personality my shine through my nervousness.  For anyone interested check out ugly's website on www.ugly.org

The Power of complaining...

Working for the local government you meet a lot of interesting people. Especially in my job at social services. You learn alot about life and people and one of the things I have seen is how unfair the world can be for some people. I'm not referring to any physical, mental or learning imitations on the individual. But rather it's about how the few can grab the most and the vast majority scrounge for the few discarded favours. Social services give money to the deserving and they are all assessed on their needs. However there are the few people on the social services register that know how to buck the system to get what they want. I call them the "complainers". Because local government is accountable for their actions by various political heads there is nothing worse that having bad press where it says " council fails resident". They will do anything to avoid that including providing what I call "hush money" but the official term is compensation. There is one particular type of service user which are subject to this payout. I call them the complainers. They are the one who shout and scream and throw tantrums and threaten to call every newspaper in the land if they don't get what they want. Of course all these claims are investigated by the complaints department but more often than I am comfortable with to avoid the complaints escalating to the ombudsman They are given a "we are sorry for the delay in your service" payout and will give you a lumpsum as means of compensation(and to keep you quiet). So now the rules of the games have been set. Clients know that if they complain and really push it they can join the compensation culture and get a hand out.
I'm not saying they are all like that. But the few rotten apples do spoil the bunch. I have therefore learnt an invaluable lesson. Me, the quiet as a church mouse, think that if I eat all my vegs and don't cause any waves all the good things will happen to me, me. Boy did I get that wrong.
Two years ago I joined one of Britain's executive members flying clubs which gives me flyer miles. I realised that I am travelling a lot more lately and with this one particular airline. Loyalty should be rewarded. After all they are one of my favourite airlines. Well that relationship was sorely tested when I returned from one of my long haul trips and discovered that my air miles had not been added to my account. I gave them time and patiently waited. However after a week I thought I'll send them a gentle reminder via email querying what is happening with my air miles. I received an email back saying that they have no record of my flight that the club membership and flight details must match. I check my account and notice that my surname was placed as my first name and my first name as my surname. Silly me. Of course when I write an email explaining the mixup they will see my point of view, understand and rectify the problem and credit my miles. So off my email went with sweet innocence dreams. I waited patiently for a response. Nothing. No response. No air miles. So two weeks later getting a bit worried I sent them a letter. Nicely typed and spaced. Full contact details etc, asking can they please add my air miles, if it's okay with them. After all I did mke the trip and sent copies of my tickets as evidence and the proper order of my name. Surely this could be settled quickly and orderly. No dice.
It was now a month and a half and I had not had a response to either email or letter. And I was not happy. Infact it would be accurate to say I was in a right huff. I mean how dare they ignore me, their loyal flyer. It is by no hard stretch of the imagination for their IT people to pop into my account and change the order of the name, after I have provided them with all the evidence of the flight. I mean come on, really.
So knowing that big companies whose livelihoods depend on public goodwill particularly in a highly compatible market, fear nothing more than bad customer service I decided to hit them where it hurt. I wrote a snarky email talking about my experience and not understanding why can't they see the logic of what I am saying particularly since I provided all the evidence and if this is the way they treat their customers I would not be using their services again. Furthermore I will be recommending to my friends not to use their service. Off my email went. Two hours later I received an email saying that my account will be credited with the right amount in 3 working days time. It was. :-)
At my work they offered a scheme where I can purchase computer products at a reduced rate through my salary which also meant my paying less tax and getting a discount on the final product. It was too good an opportunity to pass up. So I placed my order and waited for my delivery. And waited for my delivery. And WAITED for my delivery. Two months later and no sign of the goods. I knew it was too good a deal.
Of course to calm our fears they periodically sent emails that they are working hard on getting the goods to us. Then one day two months after i signed my contract with them we all received an email stating that they were having problems with their suppliers and that we had a day in which to make the decision to cancel the order or continue to wait for a further four weeks at least with no guarantee of a delivery date. I WENT SPARE!
Now those of you who know me I'm generally a quiet kind of guy. A doormouse you might say. Well at least I give off that impression until you piss me off. And that's what this email did. I have always prided myself on my ability to not let my emotions get the better of me. Instead I channel my angry in getting even. BTW-that ain't a good thing.
I quickly started doing some researsch on online goods and service law. What are my rights as a consumer. What are the company's responsibilities as provider. And topped it off with a call to the trading standards agency. Now armed with knowledge. A flurry of emails started going back and forth between me and the company. I used a lot of legal terms and showed that YES Mr big business I can play hardball as well as you. My last email gave them a "do or die" choice. Give up the goods by a certain date or I'm coming after you.
The result of my little tirade was in less than a week I had my new IPhone.

So what have I learnt from this. If you want to be heard make a nusciance of yourself or as Elenor Roosevelt so eloquently put it. Speak softly but carry a big stick.

Ouch

It's been three days since I started the gym and my pains have pains. I joined because I promised myself in 2012 that I would restart working out. I want to look better and feel better about myself health wise. I used to be in the gym last year and I probably went for 2 months total. That isn't so bad if I didn't pay for a year in advance. LOL. So this year I am determine to make things happen and not just sit at home and hope hat they happen.

I'm beginning to realise just how much of my life is lived in my head and not outside of it. Ouch Even though I know what I am suppose to do to achieve the things I want in my life still I place mental blocks, and obstacles in my way. And they are very clever that I am able to fool myself into thinking I deserve the behaviour that I engage in. I work hard all day I deserve to come home, sit in front of a TV/relax and do nothing don't I? DON'T I?

Apparently I don't. Ouch. Well let me clarify that, I do deserve to relax if I want but I also need to realise that every action has a consequence. If I sit on the couch for the next 5 -7 hours when I get home that is 5 - 7 hours that I am not committing my energies to creating the life I want. I saw this video my a man named Jeremy Yost. Jeremy was seriously obese and wanted to change his lifestyle to a more healtier one. Within a year Jeremy's weight loss was astounding but what was hard hitting for me was his motivation for getting up and deciding to lose the weight. Like all of us he had a vision of what he wanted to achieve. But that wasn't enough. He sat down and wrote down the pros and cons to achieving his dream. He discovered that there were more pros than cons and began to action it.  and what amazing results.

He discovered that what was stopping him from achieving his goals was his not having a strong enough, and clear enough vision of what he wanted to achieve in his life and when he got that vision in his mind and wrote down his goals it became a reality for him. I'm going to be following his example and applying myself to achieving my own goals and creating a strong enough vision that it will motivate and encourage me to achieve all of them.

Happy Birthday to ...me

Another birthday, another reminder that I'm getting older. But don't get me wrong I don't feel as if I'm getting older but better. Growing into my skin you could say. I look forward to the day when I can get my freedom pass, complain about the disrespect of young people today(I'm already doing this), and pass wind loudly in the middle of a rude carriage and laugh my toothless mouth off.  LOL.

But you know I discovered something out recently which makes me gratefully for living in a big city everyday. I work with a number of people from all over the world and I discovered that in some cultures birthdays do not have as great a significance as it does in Western society.
In the Western world a birthday is a day of celebration. It is a day to rejoice with other members of your family and friends that, I was born, I am part of a community, this is a rite of passage. A birthday says YES I exist. But if you are born into a world where you don't know where your next meal is going to come from, where your home is shelled almost daily by enemies of your state, political party, culture, religion, creed, class, or race, or where the fact of being born female is more likely to send up waves of lament rather than applause then, yes, a birthday isn't something you look forward to or even bother to remember.

Personally, I don't really "celebrate" my birthday. I know it's there, I acknowledge it but it's another day for me and I get on with it. I suppose when I was younger there was more of a significance. Age 7 the age of reasoning, Age 13 Puberty(eke!) Age 16 can learn to drive(still haven't), age 18 can vote,  21 can drink etc. There were all milestones and "rites of passage" in a growing individual life. But side I've been over in the UK My focus has been more on surviving and making sure I do the right thing for me to succeed. When I look back at it between the ages 24 and 30. I barely noticed the day. The one big day I started paying a little more attention was at 30. Where I tried to get drunk for the first time in my life and failed miserably. I ended up getting tipsy, slipping my drink all over my best friend and trying to lick it off him. Hmm, maybe I did get drunk. I'll hate to think I did that while sober. :-)

So anyway here's to me (and you if you are celebrating a birthday today) being on the wrong side of thirty and growing old disgracefully.

Looking good for 2012

New Year's day and I've still kept my resolutions.

I got up early and managed to make it to the New Year's day Parade. It's been years so it was a nice reminder. As usual the event was dominated by American teenage highschoolers. There were cheerleaders, tumblers, acrobats, floats and marching bands. Of course because this is England the floats are relatively small. Nothing to compare to the floats of gargantuan proportions of our American cousins.

The one thing I found disappointing is that though this is England, the British representatives in the parade were a poor showing. They were nowhere as sharply dressed, or enthusiastic as the Americans. The difference in American and British culture stood out sharply and it was a pity. We looked like the poorer cousins. I suppose we Brits no our strong points. We great at thinking and working out the finer details, but what the Americans excel at is he old razzle dazzle. All show no substance.

After the show I went to the portrait gallery and wandered around for an hour or two. Great portraiture pieces spanning the last three centuries from the 18th to 21st centuries. It's interesting to see how the subjuect changes over time from images of the royal and ariscocratic models to our modern day celebrities. I think I was more inteested in the art as an artictic endevour rather than the sudjects. I like going up close to see if i could see the brush strokes and how the paints themslves are mixed on the canvas. Funny how when near to the canvas or board you see sploshes of paint mixing, swirling, and frozen in mid movement and from a distance this crash of colour produces something remarkably beautiful.

I've been reinspired to take up my brush and dabble again or perhaps look for an art course to register on and learn the finer details of paiting.  Click on my paint on the left of the screen to see my dabbles on Flickr.

Be good. Stay positive.

Happy New Year 2012

Hello there...it's the start of a new year 2012 and time to clear out the old and usher in the new.
2011 was an interesting year to say the least.It start off full of promise but like most promises life can get in the way. I think the lesson I've learnt is that I should do only one thing at a time and not try to achieve everything at the same time. This usually results in my not doing anything and sinking into a state of depression.

I promised myself that 2012 was going to be my year of being British. What does that mean I hear you ask? Well, it simply mean I'm am going to try and engage in activities that are traditionally British activities. Events such as BBC Proms at Royal Albert Hall, visits to the lake district, see all the museums cultural centres like Shakespeare Globe theatre, Stonehenge, etc. The one tradition I draw the line at is visiting Thailand and hooking up with some lady boy. I do have my limits. LOL (kidding).

I am actually looking forward to all this and hopefully I have learnt from my mistakes in 2011 and wouldn't repeat them in 2012. After all those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. So wish me luck and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!.  May it be an Olympian one! lol.

Sometimes Destiny and Choice are the same thing

There are many proverbs in the English language about the subject of opportunity and chance. 

• Opportunity only knocks once
• Opportunity seldom knocks twice
• Strike while the iron is hot
• Time and Tide wait on no man
• When one door shuts another opens 

They are all common sense truths based on humanities shared experience. Unfortunately in the past few years I've had forgotten about these basic truths and life lessons though evidence of its existence is all around me. Like many of us I'm so caught up in the mechanisms of my everyday life that I can't see the forest from the trees. There are times in our lives when opportunities are handed to us and we ignore it or say no. And yet, strangely these opportunities present themselves over and over again in our lives in different disguises, vying for our attention.  Now all that is required is that we stop and see them for what they are. 

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier this week and we were discussing how unhappy we are with the way things are changing in our lives particularly that growing sense that we're not in control of our lives. After all , if i am the captain of my ship why am i crashed upon the rocks. She then told me the story of her boyfriend and how his life is totally different. Her boyfriend (lets call him Hans) is a small business entrepreneur who has had varying degrees of success and failure as all businessmen but the one constant that has remained with him is that whether it is during periods of success or failure he is always open to opportunities in his life. After a prolong period of success he lost everything when market forces and competition moved against him. the consequences of which he ended up living with friends on their couch. During his successful years he met a lot of people, he has an extroverted personality so he talks with every and anyone. One such person was the manager of a London Hotel. During a conversation one day and the manager mentioned that they have a German business group staying at the hotel and they were currently looking for an interpreter. Hans offered his services (he speaks multiple languages of which German is one) and the upshot of it was he was offered the job as an interpreter for 6 months, stayed free of charge at the hotel and saved enough money that when the interpreting work dried up he when straight back into business which he continues to this day. He could have been despondent about the initial business failure and given up on himself but he didn’t. He just kept on going and doing things. This is a philosophy that worked for him and had been taught to him by his grandfather. His grandfather was in the second word war and he passed on the lessons that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and that he should live life for today seizing each opportunity that life gives him.

After hearing this story it made me want to be more conscious of the opportunities that present themselves in my life. Recently I had been thinking of purchasing an iPod as a gift for my little cousin and was talking to a friend of mine as we looked online to see that the price was a bit steep. Then that very evening when I got home there was an email from apple about getting a replacement iPod for 1st generation holders. Normally i would have ignored this email but then i realise this could solve my predicament. A new iPod for free.  So i took a chance and ordered one.  SNAP! Synchronicity don't you just love it. 


However recognising opportunities has been and continues to be a conscious effort on my part to keep my eyes open and see the chances open up before me. And yet being able to spot an opportunity isn't enough.  It's about following up those opportunities taking chances and acting upon them. WithoutWriting took such a chance. Whether or not he was conscious of it at the time , an opportunity arose for him to leave everything he knew behind and explore a new country for at least 6 months and he took it. I've got to say I'm very proud of him. Stepping out of your comfort zone is a great way to learn about yourself and learn about your limitations and strengths.  Immigrating to this country on my own I know what it's like to leave behind all that you know and  throw yourself at the deep end. But i wounldnt trade this experience for the world. So here to keeping your eyes peeled and ears open for that knocking sound. 

Opps,... I did it again.

Sometimes I am really hard on myself and when I'm in such a mood, I lock myself away from the world and like a wounded bear go in a dark corner and lick my wounds. Yesterday was one such day. It was a long day with no let up. Everyone was making demands of my time, and if it's one thing I don't like; it's people encroaching on my time.

Everyday for the past few months I've made a promise to myself that I will say in this job for two years before moving on to something else. My two years will be up at the end of this month and I still don't know what's that 'something else' which I intend to move onto. I am angry with myself that I seem stuck in my life. Unmoving(unwilling to move?) stuck in a quagmire of my own design and there lies the crux of the problem. Is my present position one of my own making or am I a puppet in a madman's hand. I am torn within myself having experienced a schism in my psyche whose dichotomy I am finding increasingly difficult to reunite.  Growing up I was led to believe that my life was been led and ordered by some unseen power. However after living in the UK for so many years and being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking this has resulted in my questioning my own worldview. I am an independent man unchained by family, history, society or religion. Adrift on the proverbial rough seas I desperately weave a seaweed and driftwood raft of a myriad of ideas that has been handed down to me by every person that I have met.
This divisions is my worldview is something I have wrestled and continue to wrestle with because of the implications. Believing that I am guided by some unseen order means I felt that I can coast through life and let whatever happens, happen to me. On the other hand if I am responsible for my experience of life then a belief in an unseen force is a crutch and weakness that had hindered my development to be all that I can be.

I take no prisoners. My personality is I am black or white No shades of grey. And yet knowing this is not enough. The mind wants to maintain the staus quo and will not tolerate change easily. Self sabotage is a wild king dancing a merry tune in my mind. Yesterday in a fit of rage and madness I sat down to start writing my resume in the hopes of moving on but before I knew it that little gremlin in the back of my mind starts to whisper and pour his poisonous words in my ear, 'Why? What are you doing? Where are you going? Don't jump from the pot into the fire? Stay where you are, it's a job and you are being paid.' All monster excuses that beat repeatedly upon the already cracked and fragile door of my mind, until my resistance splinters and crashes down so that before I knew it I had spent hours watching music videos on you tube. I love music. But it didn't help me. I was furious with myself. Once again I had become sidetracked but every failure meant that I would grow stronger. Until one day I will break this cycle.

It's Playtime

WAKE UP PEOPLE, WE'VE BEEN SCAMMED!! HOODWINKED, AND BAMBOOZLED.
Being an adult is not all they said it was going to be.

Earlier this evening I was sitting on my gallery and looking down on some kids playing hide and seek on the estate and thinking to myself. 'Geez, I haven't played in forever,'  I mean really played. That abandon of screaming in the wind as you play tag with your friends, the genuine excitement of running, jumping , exploring, curiosity, fearlessness, having a bundle of emotion that explode out of you every second that you don't waste time analysing it you just live it. I miss that. Sometimes being an adult really blows. 

They tell you that when you become an adult you can do what you want, stay up as late as you want, and have ice cream for breakfast if you want, and we believe them. So in the back of our minds whenever you have an argument with our parents  and they ground you we think "as soon as I'm 18, I'm out of here." You want to live the dream. But you know what, yeah you can have that ice cream for breakfast and watch all the late night television you want, what they don't tell you is as an adult if you live "the dream"you end up 300 pounds overweight, barely able to breathe, and eventually carried out into the flashing lights of the Press on a forklift like some bloated, beached whale. Being an adult they never mention that you get all serious and forget about real, soul nourishing, fun. Now fun is found at the bottom of a bottle on a Friday night as we dance our youth away in a haze of strobe lights and earsplitting music.

I want to run barefoot in the grass with my dog laughing with genuine joy, I want to shower in the rain I want to feel the world is full of possibilities again, I want to learn to play again.

Happy Parents Day

I never trusted the water companies, they must have spiked my tap water. It's the only explanation for what's happening to me.

Lately I've been feeling broody, paternal, maternal even, which is interesting since last time I checked I was still a guy. But the way I'm feeling I'm only surprised I'm not lactating. All my friends are starting to have, or have started having families. Babies, toddlers and ankle biters are all around me and where previously there has been no interest on my part for anything beneath three feet tall, suddenly I find myself starting into strangers prams and smiling at their little bundle of joy. What is up with that?

First off let me say I''ve always valued my independence, having no commitments or family ties to stop me from achieving anything I want to in life. The things mere mortals prized highly a love one, kids, family, a home, a mortgage...living the dream they called it. I thought you might as well lock me in a damp dungeon and throw away the keys. It was a nightmare scenario for me cause I felt it meant that I was becoming trapped and my life was over. Now all of a sudden I find myself fantasying about having a relationship and a family or as I sometimes call it, a jail sentence with hard labour (with the possibility for parole for good behaviour, of course).

I must admit, this familial interest isn't a recent development. It's been on and off for the last 4-5 months now but I've only just gotten the courage to publicly admit it. I think it came full blown when I visited my cousins with their children. I should have know it was a conspiracy when I was getting all these hugs from the 3 and 7 year old and  the cutest smiles from the 1 year old. They worked me over for the three weeks i was there, melting the ice around my heart until they had me wrapped around their little fingers that I was promising of entertaining them in London should they visit. Oh, they got me good. 

I thought being back in London the ice around my heart would start to reform and harden but no. Instead I'm having dreams of my future children (Marcus and Celia) yes, that was their names in the dream, and it's seeping into my reality so now I'm thinking of getting a little rugrat of my own. A mini me with whom I can plot to take over the world. But children are for life, not just Christmas. That means they are a HUGH responsibility. Even with the German nanny. The friends of mine with toddlers tell me the stories of sleepless nights, concerns about teething, illnesses. And it doesn't get any easier as they get older. I see the neighbourhood kids and I think I don't want my son/daughter hanging around "those" kids. Cause you know when they reach teenage years, if they were anything like me there'll be doors slamming, moody spells of silence cause if you don't know what's wrong I'm not going to tell you, and finally spending alot of time in the room alone listening to heavy metal music or "researching" (the male readers know what I'm talking about). I don't know how my mother put up with me.

I should go give her a call. So to all you mums and dads out there I salute you. You're doing the toughest job with no pay, but you can't beat those hugs, kisses and laughter for perks.

Prepare yourself...it's coming

Monday 28th June 2011. it was 31 degrees outside and I was stinking to high heaven. Geez!! Good thing my work colleagues where too polite to say anything or maybe they were just scared. I do give off that "don't mess with me vibe". LOL It's more bravado than any implied threat.
So I started this lotto/euro millions syndicate at the office and I am amazed at people's relationship with money. I've done it all legal with terms and conditions etc. and before signing your name their is a heading which specifically states in bold that the signing of this form is the confirmation of the signatory agreement to the terms and conditions overleaf.  It boggles the mind how so few people actually read this T&C and how many say "I trust you". Really? They trust me? I hold the original  signed contracts, and original tickets. I provide the players with copies of the tickets but that is it. When we win the jackpot and should I decide to run away with the winnings they have absolutely no evidence that they are in a syndicate, no evidence of who played, no evidence of if they are a regular player or not. Nothing. My lawyers will ask where is the evidence, what scrap of paper or agreement do they possess that proves they are in a syndicate and a regular player. So I've started sending emails to protect them from me. lol.

I'm also surprised with how little people prepare themselves for the eventuality that they will win a jackpot. I have already looked into diversifying into the four main asset classes, and securing independent financial advisers in preparation for the win. It is a true statistic that 70% of lottery winners spend if not all but most of their winnings in three years. This is why I believe in the five "Ps" Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. It is true you can't prepare for every single eventuality but where you can prepare you should.  But it's not just about the lottery but about life in general. It is important that we prepare ourselves for both the good and the bad in life and in so doing rejoice in it's joys and soften the blow of the rough.

You got to have a dream, if you dont have a dream, how you going to have a dream come true.

June 2011. Half the year, and time to reevaluate where I am in my life. Actually I am always reevaluating myself and where I am at this point in my life. That's the problem. My friends tell me I think too much and they are right. But being able to have independent thought is one of the abilities that I don't want to give it up. It's what I take pride in myself for and perhaps this pride is my downfall. It's hard for me to let go and just "let things happen". I always need to be in control. It's the freak in me. haha.

However it's not all bad. Being so cerebral allows me to some up with brilliant ideas and I'm forever having epiphanies. My latest was I am responsible for my own experiences of life. This statement means different things to different people, but for me it means that if I'm unsatisfied with  my life then the only one who can change it is me. Stop, Pause and read that again. This is an important realisation for me because as I sit here partaking of a life that is not the life I really want, I realise that truly, I am the only one that can change it. These days I tend to make future plans with this way of thinking.  That in itself has been a huge shift in my thought patterns where I am always looking back over my proverbial shoulder to see where I have come from, and questioning did I make the right decisions then. This would usually lead to me becoming despondent if I believed I had made the wrong choice that led me to where I am today. However now I realise (intellectually at least, if not quite on an emotional level as yet) that there was no right or wrong choice. There was just a choice. I'm not completely over that way of thinking but I tend to look forward more often.

However despite the best of intentions without action I'm still spinning top in mud. I know exactly what I'm suppose to do to enhance my experience of life but I'm still running scared. Running away, fearing success, fearing failure. FEAR! It dominates my thinking more than i would like to admit and it finds expression in a number of insidious and inventive ways, some of which might sound familiar to you as well. I start many projects and never complete them always walking out on them to do something else or find the flimsiest of excuses to get out of something I know I should be doing. So to counter this I have decided that I am going to be selective in my choice of activities and do one thing at a time to completion. So far it's been working I start with simple things like putting away my clothes and not just leaving it on the ground or some such. But it not easy I'm only human but I do see changes.

Be Inspiried - It Gets Better

Image from The Parenting Magazine

Recently I came across a news article about a state of suicides in America by young people in high school and college after suffering bullying because they were or perceived to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered. 
It made headline news in America but I never saw anything about it on the BBC. However The American author, journalist and newspaper editor Dan Savage created a website in response to these terrible events.
Savage who is openly gay created a website called It gets Better. It was created in response to the suicide of 15 year old Billy Lucas, who was bullied for his perceived sexual orientation.
This project encourages adults, both LGBT and otherwise, to submit videos assuring gay teenagers that life can improve after bullying in early life.

Bullying can be a terrible thing and it's victims can suffer serious psychological damage that can take years to undo. I myself have been bullied. The way I dealt with it may not be the healthiest but I survived. I simply retreated within myself, put my head down, and studied hard because I knew education would get me the hell away from those people. I knew my life was going in a different direction and I was determined to leave them all behind. I suppose it was one of the driving forces behind my leaving my country and why I would never go back unless kicking or screaming in a body bag. I know I am bitter, and I can admit it. It's also why my circle of friends is very small and why of all my friends, I only have one who is from my country, and that enough thank you very much. If I wanted to hang out with my fellow countrymen I would have stayed in the country (NB: I didn't say MY country. It was never my country and I was made to feel I didn't belong by everyone outside of my family)

Anyway I think I survived because I was arrogant and developed a thick skin and I told myself I would never give up because that would mean they won. And I would be damned if I let them win. So I had a look at Dan's website and  I was very impressed. There are ordinary men and women in society of all ages and even a few celebrities and out gay British MP giving encouragement to young LGBT boys and girls who are having a tough time. Many of the testimonials are emotional because they bring back old memories and wounds. But it is also cathartic. As for me I can say that where I am in my life now and where I was then IT DOES GET BETTER! :-)

Support this project and post a video of yourself giving advice. After all the life your words can save may be closer than you think.

Get involved and check out these sites:

US Based and International audience:

• Dan Savage's http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

British Based:

Visit http://www.bullying.co.uk/ The Anti- Bullying Charity - Help and advice for victims of bullying their parents and school

Visit http://www.kidscape.org.uk/parents/ - Helpline support and advice for parents of bullied children

Visit http://www.outzone.org/ - to find out more about PACE LGBT youth group

• Outzone -a relaxed, weekly group for young men under 26 who identify as gay or bisexual or think they might be.  
• Girl Diva - Girl Diva is a friendly & informal weekly group for lesbian, bisexual, queer, pansexual & questioning young women aged 25 and under.
• First Move - Coming along to First Move for LGBT under 18's is a great way to meet people and make friends in a safe and supportive place.

PACE Helpline: Email: pace.helpline@pacehealth.org.uk
Phone: 0808 1807 223 (Mon 9:30am-12:30pm & Thurs evening 6:30pm-8:30pm)

Visit www.gmfa.org.uk/theguide/browse - to find out more about LGBT sporting clubs and social group

Visit http://www.llgs.org.uk/ - London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard (LLGS) provides an information, support and referral service for lesbians, gay men, bisexual, trans people and anyone who needs to consider issues around their sexuality.  Helpline 0207 837 7324

To live life is not always to walk through a meadow

Making goals, like new years resolutions are easier said than done. I've been ,OK, at creating daily goals but not great and one thing that this exercise has led me to realise that there there are some goals that although they are written down and staring me in the face I will make all manner of excuses not to do them. The question I have to ask myself is, why? Why do I throw obstacles in my path towards achieving my goals? Why is it that although I know what I am doing and I know the right path I should be on I still turn aside and go down that dark alley. What self destructive tendencies are there that lurk within me and how do i get rid of it?

I think all of you will agreed that we all have our shadow/demon self. That side of our personality that leads up down the overgrown path instead of the yellow brick road. As much as we will like to get rid of it we can't. Our shadow selves are as important to us as our light selves. After all without the darkness how can we recognise the light. It's all about balance and finding the right balance so that we can live with the opposing sides of our psyche in peace. But I'm glad my shadow shows up so often because it makes me question my reality. I, like all of us, have an image in our mind of what we are like and what we're am suppose to be. My shadow self makes me realise that sometimes, or some occasions, I am full of bullcrap. I do have a very strong will and I am not easily swayed and because of this my will manifest itself in both positive and negative aspects of my personality. Should I try to be rid of my shadow self I could be doing more harm than good. Still I try. Sometimes it's good to lose. :-)

"Kill all my demons, and my angels might die too."
— Tennessee Williams

This is the day I won the lottery

Today is my birthday. On this day I celebrate my birth. Lately I've been thinking about my birth. The fact that I exist and what it means. Being born is like winning the lottery. Only it's the greatest prize of them all, life. Think about it, as humans we start off as one of millions of spermatozoa that race towards a single egg. We complete against millions of other sperms racing wildly along a fallopian tube, no map, no sat navs, just an instinctive drive to be the first one to get to that egg. And we do. We get there and we are winners. We bore into the egg and we are conceived. Stop and think about that for a moment.

Before consciousness we have been able to instinctively go after what we want and achieve this and yet, somehow after all that enthusiasm, that without the right stimuli , once we are born, we seen to lose this drive. The problem, knowledge. To much knowledge is a dangerous thing. I so strongly agree. As we mature we learn about rights and wrongs, pain and pleasure, fear and courage. It is this knowledge that can help or hinder us throughout the rest of our lives. For most of us we travel along the path of least resistance never thoroughly realising our full potential. Little realising that it is the trials and tribulations that we bear in our lives that mould and shape us, like crucibles we are filled with potential but the fire of life burns hotly beneath us. For some the heat of the flames causes us to boil over, for others we melt and yet for others the heat challenges them so that the cream rises to the top.

I have always wanted to do something in the arts. Be a writer, a fine artist an interior designer. I had the talent but along the way it got corrupted. I was educated. I was taught the right way to paint, to hold a brush, to draw, to design, to think. Character arc, compositions, colour wheel, cubism, moderism, realism, high art, low art, on and on my education went until I had education coming out of my ears. Of course the inevitable happened with too much knowledge. I froze. I was paralyzed into inaction. Afraid to make a move least it not be the correct one, or "traditional" method, or meet with approval from the authorities on the subject. It is why I am now strongly against art education. I don't believe that art in whatever medium can or should be taught. It should evolve naturally in the artist hands and let new discoveries and new ways of doing emerge. Rules only serve to stagnate the mind. Now I am learning to unlearn the rules, learning not be concerned about what is right and what is wrong But instead trust in myself and just do it. I am reminded of a poem a friend recommended to me. I will reproduce it here and I hope it resonates within you as it did me for we are all in this together. For the non religious replace the word God with Potential. The message remains the same.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).

Daily Goal - If you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get.

Today I added an AdSense onto my account. Why? Why not? I decided for 2011 to stop questioning and doubting myself and my actions. I over think things too much so like I promised it is going to be a year of action. The only hiccup so far is I want the ads on the side and not beneath my posts. So I'm trying to figure that one out. You know as soon as I do.

There was a goal that I set for myself  yesterday of applying for a job. This didn't happen. I'm not going to be down on myself for not achieving my goal instead I examined why I didn't do it. I looked at the jobs, I shortlisted what I wanted but when it came time to look at it more carefully to apply I saw they were asking for things I didn't have. Certain skills and experience, I questioned myself whether I should still apply but in the end I decided against it. Why? My logic was I didn't want to waste my time applying for a job I won't get, because we all know how time consuming job applications are these days. And I trust myself to know that if I approach this negatively I won't present myself in the most positive light. Another deeper reason which in the hash light of today I realise is my old friend fear. Fear of failure( I never like doing things unless there was a 99.9% chance that I will be successful), which is why I procrastinate so much my doing research, and weighting up the pros and cons. To overcome this fear I need to move outside of my head and into the world of action. Fear of making the wrong decision, so I make no decision( after all you can't be wrong if you sit on the fence can you. The problem with that is you also can't be right.). It is a perpetual limbo a false security that is killing me. But it is strange that knowing all of this does not mean that I will change my ways. I am too much of a thinker and not enough of a doer. Fear rules my life. There I've said it. Fear of the unknown and taking chances have curtail the me that I am. The me that I see inside and that is banging it's bloodly fist against a mental prison.

So I have two daily goals. The first and most formidable is to overcome the fear within me and the second is to channel that fear into a actionable goal. Stop thinking whether it's the right decision or not, just do it.

2011 The Year of Action

Happy New Year 2011. The new year has opened pretty much like the old one( this is worrisome). I did some budget sheets, lazed around in bed, watched a few you tubes videos, read a few comic book, watched some television and generally bummed around the house. The new year is not something I celebrate or look forward to because it just reminds me that I am another year older and I am nowhere near achieving what I want to achieve with my life.

So this year I promised myself that I will be more action oriented than cranial oriented. I always think about what I am going to do. In fact you would be right to say I think things to a slow painful death. I know it's fear disguised as caution and reservation. So in 2011 I want to truly face my fear. No more thinking things through and worrying if I am doing the correct thing or not.

I have been thinking about this for sometime(I know, I know, sigh!!) and wondering why despite my best laid plans for success it still seems to elude me and the answer is right there in front of me. I never follow through my thoughts with actions. Sure, I make what I will admit are half hearted attempts but there is no real enthusiasm. There is always the fear that stops me from really "having a go" and just doing it.

So for 2011 I am going to be an international man of action No more thinking things through. The best way to start would be to set daily goals and accomplish them. That's 365 goals per year. I'm sure that if I were to to this at the end of the year I will see a mark change in my life. What do you think? Why don't you join me and write down 365 goals you will like to achieve on a daily basis and see if we can achieve them all.

Let our enemies beware...there is only one superpower now.

Anyone that knows me know I love the character Superman. He is ultra cool and recently I have started rereading comics and catching up on what has been happening with my fave character. Did you know he got married to Lois Lane? I didn't. They were also a lot of other shocks along the way one of which is that BATMAN is seriously bad-ass. I never knew. All the superheroes with all their powers are seriously brick themselves when it comes to the dark knight. No one messes with the bat. But anyway I just read the comic book Red Son. It's a sort of retelling of the superman legend so that he is raised in communist Russia and not US of A. I have to say I enjoyed this book. It wasn't a Communist bad/democracy good rhetoric. It was actually a well thought out story with a surprise ending that make us think of the time being linear or cyclical. Anyway to all you comic book fans get down to your local library and borrow Superman: Red Son by Mark Millar.  I think I will be looking out for more stories written by Mr Millar.

Time's running out...time for a change

I've been ill for the last, few days and in that time I've had the opportunity to think. One: I hate being sick. The lethargic feeling, the dizziness and worse of all the loss of control. Anyone who knows me knows I hate not being in control. You could say I'm a bit anal (a bit?! I hear some of you say). The second thing is that while lying on death's bed (man-flu, the worse) it makes you realise that the things that you think of as important in your life really are not that important. You're forced to rearrange your priorities.

I need to make a change in my life. I am mired in daily banality pretending to care about something that leaves me cold and resentful everyday. The "experts" all say "follow your passion", but what they don't tell you is how to find that passion. That thing that makes life worth living. All I know is that I'm not doing it and that means it's time for a change. It's going to be a new year and I'm pissed. Pissed that I'm not doing what I should be with my life, that I'm not following my bliss, and that "this" (waving hands about aimlessly) is all my life amounts to. It's time for a change.

Destiny vs. Determination

I was talking to withoutwriting about positivity and spirituality and interesting questions came up. The idea of success and positivity. Does spirituality hinder successful development? Is being religious a help or hindrance in creating the life we want? I have to say these questions have been on my mind recently when I was feeling a bit down in the dumps recently. You see for 98% of the world that believe in a spiritual entity most turn to him or her in times of crisis, myself included, hoping for guidance. However there have been times in the past few years where I have found myself questioning the very existence of a god. This is not something a good little boy should ever do.

I was raised in a very religious family and the belief in God was a given. It was a belief that was never challenged particularly in a small island. Everyone you knew had a belief system, whether they believed in your god or not. It was the belief in a god that united us and divided us. Religion and the church was something that was part of your life, like eating and breathing. You went to church and that was it. You could throw a "sicky" for school but never for church because "God was watching". They got you from the cradle so that to even think about not wanting to go to church was a sin. Religion and the belief in God was shoved down our throats, morning, noon and night. Every morning there were prays on the single television station in the island (we're talking the 70's and early 80's here) giving equal importance to the top three faiths in our country, The Christians, The Muslims and The Hindus. We were politically correct before anyone even knew what political correctness was.

So with my upbringing I never heard of an atheist until I was in my late teens. And that idea was like believing in the bogeyman. Ridiculous. People that didn't believe in God. Yeah, Right!! It was a concept so alien to me. How could someone even question whether there was a god?, I asked myself. Are they crazy? Am I? It was not a good place to be I felt sorry for these mysterious atheists. After all, I knew there is a god. Though I've never seen him. I knew there were miracles taking place everyday. Though I've never seen a miracle myself I've heard from lots of people who knew someone, who heard it from someone else, who knew the great aunt, twice removed of a god fearing, trust-worthy person who was lame and now healed when she saw an angel in the sky. What more evidence did I need? Now if that wasn't a miracle, what was it? A coincidence, synchronicity? You only think it was a coincidence or synchronicity because you don't believe. That's your problem. The lord works in mysterious ways and everything and everyone in my life reinforced this belief. I didn't get that top graded school I wanted but got something else. I was comforted by words like "It just wasn't meant to be. The lord have something better in mind for you."

Television was and still is heavily censored. No nudity, obscene language, and immoral situations so there were a lot of shows with blurred scenes of a sexual images, sudden bouts of silence (though I became very good at lipreading the curses) and huge cuts between scenes of an immoral nature. Of course who determines what is nudity, obscene and immoral are the pillars of morality themselves. The Inter religious Organisation. Strange though because if I looked out my windows I could see men's exposed penises as they boldly pissed up against a wall, I could hear them telling their friends to F**k off and read in the news papers about another religious figure who was caught with his pants down servicing one of his parishioners. AGAIN.  I just couldn't watch it on television.

So with a sheltered life, and bursting to the bits to find my own way I moved to the bright city lights of London. It was dark, cold, dismal, rainy, the air literally stank of cigarette smoke and my skin broke out. I LOVE IT. I was free. I could make my own way, carve a new direction in life for myself and turn over a new leaf. No one knew me and that was just the way I wanted it. I avoided my fellow countrymen like the plague. Most immigrants gravitate towards centres of the city where everyone was like them, in language, dress, culture and taste in food. They formed their little ghettos. And don't get me wrong. I get that. I totally understand why someone moving to a new country would want to be among people that they knew with  familiar sights and sounds. But I also knew that I wanted to assimulate as quickly as possible and I knew that hanging around people like me, telling the same old stories of the old country was not going to do me any favours. It's why some people have lived in England for 40 years and still don't know how to speak the language(What Now! EXCUSE YOU?) Even now so many years later I still only have one friend from my country and he's a handful ( D...You know I love you. :-)). But now with all these freedoms, new ideas kept coming into my mind. New ways of seeing the world. I actually began to meet people who were atheist and those who were agnostic (I had to look that one up). I felt as if they had killed God. To even talk about God was seen as shameful as if you were afflicted with a mental ailment. I wasn't hip or facing reality. My world was being turned on it's head. I could have just shut down and called them philistines but I realised that part led to unthinking blind devotion. And I think we all know where unthinking blind devotion to a god leads.

So over the years I've found myself facing challenges and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. It is then that I have to find an inner strength within me to keep on going. Do i fall back on my tried (but unfounded) belief that it was meant to be, or do i embrace this new idea of determination. The idea that i am the captain of my own life. I had to challenge the very idea that I'm not getting the job I want because "It's up to God or that's just the way it is." I am constantly fighting within myself to overcome the whole idea that my life is predetermined and no matter how hard I try I will never amount to more than what i am predestined to be. I am getting angrier and angrier about it and one day i snapped. NO. HELL to the N to the O. NO. I will not lay down and accept this as my life. I can be better. I am deserving of achieving all my dreams and goals. I will never let anyone or being tell me who I can and cannot be. FREE WILL BABY!! Whether I succeed or fail it has to be my decision, a consequence of my choice.

It would be naive and too simplistic of me to say that a belief in a supernatural being is the reason so many people in the world live and and never attain their dreams but comfort themselves by saying "That's the way it is. It's God's Will." I don't think it is God's will. If a god was even remotely interested in your life, why would he or she want you to be Mr and Mrs Average. Why, if you believe you were created in His images would he want to be a slob vegetating on a couch in front of a television. No, you would be the best there is to be. You would grow constantly and become a shining example in your life and not be ants in an anthill. It's no big secret that throughout human history the idea of god and religion have been hijacked by the powerful to keep those less powerful in their place and from aspiring to be anything other that living off the scraps that fall from the powerful tables. The Opium of the masses, I believe Karl Marx called it. My friend put across the point that society has changed, revolutions that created a more just society and that we are more caring, rulers and leaders are not like the dark ages. No it's not. they rulers are just smarter. They don't always get it right. There are still protests but they don't worry much. After all once you control the mind you don't have to worry about that the body does. And they do control the mind, via propaganda, television and religion.

Do a quick search of all the powerful people(leaders, innovators) the people whose very word and ideas can affect your life. Find out how they got there and see how many of them actually have a belief in a supernatural being. I refer to leaders in the Western world because there are country in the east where religion and beief in gods are not encouraged yet their populations do not strive. This coud be because those same country do not allow individual expression of thought or grant it's citizens the educational oppportunities to grow. Still I do not know all the answers. What I do know is that for me I am still struggling with the idea of how to balance destiny vs determination. I may be a stubborn bastard but like the other 98% of the world's popultaion I rather be a believer than not.