My authentic Self

OK, so it's been awhile and a lot has happen. Noooo I didn't win the £113 euro millions. But what if I did? Did you really think i would tell you? Really? Come on...(wink)Anyway that brings me onto tonight's musings on the topic of honesty.

What does it mean to be honest? We all have an idea what it means...don't tell lies and speak the truth. But it's all external isn't it? What about self honesty. Being honest with oneself. How many time have you heard someone say "you can lie to me but be honest with yourself."  More times than you can count? Or is that just me?

How many of us are really honest with ourselves. How many of us are willing to look into that mirror everyday and really see the true you. I had an epiphany recently when I realised that although I look at my mirror every morning, I never truly see myself. It's like looking trough a cracked mirror. A sleepy eye, an itchy nose, a stray eyebrow, a dry mouth. Bits and pieces, never the whole. Which is why sometimes when I am out and about and I see a reflection of myself in a stationary bus window or a reflective surface I am truly surprise by how I look. I see a guy leaning against a wall, smiling to himself and it takes a second for my brain to click that "Hey, that's me. I'm cute". (lol, and modest). But why not say it. It gets me in enough trouble. I am cute and as i grow older I hope to become handsome, distinguished and finally that dirty old man who's always shouting at the neighbourhood kids to stay off his lawn. Ahh life. :-)

But I digress...on a more serious note, I believe the eyes are the windows to the soul and they can reveal so much about a person. Which is probably why I don't like looking directly at someones eyes. I can instantly tell when they are being dishonesty and sometime, frankly I just don't want to know. Lie to me. Tell me I'm beautiful, tell me I'm not just another notch on your bedpost. Make me believe. If I close my eyes maybe I'll believe you.

There are times when I cant even look at my own eyes in the mirror. To look at those windows and see the shrewd single mindedness of my logical mind, like a dangerous flash of a knife in the dark. To see the metal heart and the predator's eyes that goes after what it wants without hesitation or mercy. To see the failed dreams like dead leaves on a cracked desert floor....and after all that, what is left ,but a frightened boy. My authentic self.